http://starfishing.blogspot.com

2012-02-10T00:12:00.002+08:00

it's really cool, just on wednesday daryl was telling me, sometimes when we feel 'nothing' in our relationship with God, it's kinda like a married couple who are together but the feelings have kinda worn off, but what keeps them together is what their love is based on, and ideally it's God cause then the foundation is firm. and i realised today, the cool thing is, my relationship with God is based on history, on what's He's done for me! and history is such a concrete thing, it's fact, it's real, and in history when Jesus was on the cross, He said 'it is finished'. He had paid the price, and we could then come into a relationship with Him cause our hearts had been cleansed! it's just wonderful to know that our faith is based on something so concrete that it doesnt go away just cause 'i dont feel like it'.

honestly the past few days i had been quite sian about ministry, maybe also feeling distant from God, not really reading the Word etc. but today He refreshed me. with rachel's encouragement of how we shouldn't dichotomize the heart, mind and action into 3 separate boxes, but they come together in all we do! we cant have 2 of them without the last 1.

also council today was so encouraging. just being able to discuss with other like-minded people with a heart for God. :) and just being encouraged too that reuben is still gonna be around, and we're not giving up yet! :)

thank God for refreshing my heart with fellowship and just realising He is near and my relationship with Him is secure!

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
cover me with Your hand
and lead me in Your righteousness

and i look to You
and i wait on You

i'll sing to You Lord, a hymn of love
for Your faithfulness to me
i'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
through it all.

comforting. :)

2012-01-31T23:53:00.002+08:00

i am sometimes too feelings-based and today was one of those days i was reminded of it, quite painfully tho, haha. had to be told by someone else that i need to take my ministry more seriously cause i had just casually said 'i feel more burdened for my church ministry than vcf at this point' and he was saying it's not about feelings, it's about what i had committed to. although i didnt get to explain myself properly or anything, there's some truth in his words that i have to deal with.

so i sorted it out with the Lord, and now it kinda feels like im re-entering vcf ministry again...being reminded that sure, God has entrusted to me this ministry and therefore i must seek Him in this ministry and put whatever i can into this ministry. i mean it's a big deal, having God entrust me something as big as this! yet i don't go alone, i have Him, and others around me.

i guess what went wrong was that i was depending too much on myself and feeling inadequate, also abit confused as to what to do, not praying for the ministry enough...not committing it to God enough. and i think if i commit it to God, and walk by Him step by step as i serve, even if i don't 'feel' for it i will still be responsible for it with God's help!

let's take time to wait upon the Lord
let's take time to listen to His voice
for unless the Lord builds the house
they labour in vain
so let's take time to wait upon the Lord!

2012-01-26T00:16:00.002+08:00

2 things i learnt from mambo bs today:

1. if God is so awesome like He created the world and all things are in His hands and YET He still draws us into a relationship with Him, then why am i just going on with my own life, rushing to finish my readings, rushing through life, without Him? why can't i take time to do the most fundamental important things (and what a privilege it is!): talking to the God of the universe and listening to His words?

2. charlene said in our competitive society, it is even more easy to live for Christ! which is totally the opposite of what i would have thought...but after thinking thru, it is true! if i could just put aside myself, my own selfish feelings of being in control of my own life, depending on myself, thinking that i'm the one who determines my future, and instead let God reign, that will be how it looks like to live for Christ in this competitive society! like: putting my best into really learning the things im given, helping others when they have problems with school, caring enough for another person's learning to lend them lecture notes when they dont go for lecture, stop thinking it's all about me...the list goes on.

God is really God, yet He would die for me so He can be my God, and i can be part of His people, worshipping and glorifying Him. and it really is a privilege! thank God that even when i turned and went my own way, He drew me back to Himself. (:

2012-01-14T02:47:00.005+08:00

had a good supper talk with the girls today. (: (: just so wonderful getting to talk about God's ministry and supporting each other in our spiritual walks as well! also getting excited about what God is going to do this year!! (: thank God for my family in Christ, that we can share so openly, discuss grey areas and just encourage each other to look to and depend on Christ. (: love is in the air! <3

thank God also for the reminder not to take on so much that i cannot put my heart into the things i take up...like sm3. really wish i had been more committed if i had decided to join. but i guess i have learnt from the little i have seen, i dont regret it in a way but i think next time i better think twice and not do things halfway. but actually really thank God for an understanding group leader. thank God i dont need to go later today and can get some rest tonight! (:

school's started and already i foresee a busy sem. but am enjoying the modules so far!! (: just need to really be more focused and use my time well. and after seeing the things i need to do in yf comm, arts vcf comm and schoolwork, i think it really makes me more determined to be more responsible with the time i have...must really depend on God to do all things in His strength and with His love and heart!

better sleep.

2012-01-04T10:59:00.002+08:00

felt like i missed christmas but it still feels like a new year, which is good. (:

haha after being away for so long (in the US then at anntic) it really feels like a new start, just being back in singapore. things have changed while i was gone too, which is kinda cool cause it's just a reminder that you know, things do move on without me, humbling. (: and it was just really nice being back at church again, seeing everyone again, getting excited about what God is doing in church & in yf with all these newcomers and new leaders. (:

the US was really great. so pretty the houses! besides that we saw snow and got to play in it, had great country music on the radio (with tonsss of radio stations to choose from), soaked in the awesome cold air, shopped like siao, watched phantom of the opera (whoaaa), went 3 times on the california screaming rollercoaster! (: haha loads more than what i can describe, but yeah a great experience. (:

at first when i reached the US i was like, i wanna stay here! i wanna import everyone from singapore here, or bring the houses home, then stay there! but i realise that in the US, everything, people and places, are so far from each other. like even if i were to stay there (or even just go on exchange there), i'd be so far away from people i know and so far away from home. conclusion: home is still best. (:

besides the sights and friends and awesomeness, i think the only lacking thing was my spiritual walk. so thank God that when i went to anntic in malacca, it really felt like a retreat from everything, a time of rest and refreshment before school starts. it still felt like rest despite all the struggles i had there, regarding the bible, how to read it, thinking about vcf as a whole, etc etc. the last few days i had finally come to peace with these issues and had more fun then, haha. thank God for the rest! (: and also thank God for instructing me on some things i need to work on in my life.

this week seems pretty packed for me, and school hasnt even started! plus, looking at the amount of things and the heaviness of the modules that are awaiting me, it seems like it's gonna be a busy sem! haha but thank God im using my time well, having all these events on, and im actually pretty excited for my modules and meeting everyone at school again! haha. (:

but before school starts i really gotta pack up and get organized for another sem, as well as to make sure i enter this sem with the Lord, that my labour won't be in vain. some scary things coming up that i have to face, so out of my comfort zone. but i guess God is with me, what have i to fear right? haha keep calm and carry on, cause God is by my side, and this is for His glory.

2011-12-20T14:01:00.002+08:00

you know you did it
i'm gone
to find Someone to live for in this world
theres no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
just a bridge that i gotta burn
you were wrong
if you think you can walk right through my door
that is just so you
coming back when i've already moved on
i'm already gone

2011-12-09T01:26:00.002+08:00

man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

and so the journey begins.

2011-12-08T01:40:00.005+08:00

have quite a lot to think about after camp! but im really glad i went cause it really made me question what exactly is the truth and made me realise i REALLY need to read the bible and find out what God says about everything...not to just take things as people say but read the bible for myself. loads to pray for and loads to read about from the bible!

and thank God for meeting today. (: thank God for bringing us together and just reminding us, despite everything that happened today, that He is sovereign over whatever arrangement results, although we may be worried about whats gonna happen next year. also just reminded that i need to pray about soooooo many things! and really leave it in God's hands cause He is good and His plans are good. (:

leaving soon! gonna miss everyone but really wanna enjoy the times tgt with friends and family and also commune with the Lord in a foreign land. (: to take time off and just be with Him, and make sure the next year starts with a right relationship with the Lord!

goodbye see ya'll soon! (:

祷告，因为我渺小
祷告，因为我知道我需要
明暸，你心意对我重要
祷告，已假装不了
祷告，因为你的爱我需要
你关怀，我走过的你都明白

有些事我只想要对你说，
因你比任何人都爱我；
痛苦从眼中流下，
我知道你为我擦
在早晨我也要来对你说，
主耶稣今天我为你活；
所需要的力量你天天赐给我,
你恩典够我用。

2011-11-28T22:34:00.003+08:00

thank God exams are over! (:

it's been one of the more crazy-rush exams...the most maybe. but just glad God got me thru it. and even tho i really think at times i was not depending on Him and just chionging (like i was vaguely, but not really, in His presence while studying) He still granted me blessings during the exams. like at least i could write something! and some papers did not kill me as expected. so thank God! (: and thank God that even tho something came up during study period that made us all very stressed, He still brought us thru it, despite our fears and uncertainties about the 'greyness' of the whole thing.

i think many things have changed this sem. it's easy to get cynical about people and relationships cause sometimes it seems they change so easily, but i think what came out of all this is that God is unchangeable. and that is just awesome. that when everyone around you changes, or deserts you, or just isnt as close as before and never can again be, He stands by us at all times, unmoveable and always faithful. (: and that's why i realise how much more i need to learn to depend on Him as my only Rock and God, and also learn to take steps back when 'in the moment' and seek Him for wisdom.

really wanna seek God and find Him to be who He has promised to be, true and faithful, all-satisfying, abundantly loving and my closest Friend. (:

2011-11-09T20:44:00.004+08:00

when i put it in words it's never gonna describe how awesome it is but God is awesome! that even when the world tells me something else, He tells me i am worth something. :) and He didnt have to love me but He does! and thats just awesome cause i just dont deserve it.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

-

who am i, that the Lord of all the earth
would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?
who am i, that the bright and morning star
would choose to light the way for my ever-wandering heart?

not because of who i am, but because of what You've done
not because of what i've done, but because of who You are!

i am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind
still You hear me when i'm calling
Lord, You catch me when i'm falling
and You told me who i am
i am Yours!

who am i, that the eyes that see my sin
would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
who am i, that the voice that calmed the sea
would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me?

not because of who i am, but because of what You've done
not because of what i've done, but because of who You are!

i am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind
still You hear me when i'm calling
Lord, You catch me when i'm falling
and You told me who i am
i am Yours!

2011-11-07T20:26:00.005+08:00

back to You, Lord.
cause without You, life is seriously meaningless, joyless, fruitless.

for what do i have, if i don't have You Jesus?
what in this life could mean any more?
You are my rock, You are my glory
You are the lifter of my head.

my soul dost thirst for the living God
when shall i come to see Thy face?

2011-11-02T23:04:00.002+08:00

God is amazing. (:

today at council i was just soooo blessed. by the sharing of passions and just seeing God's hand in our plans. so encouraging. (: and just praying together for the things God has laid on our hearts. just amazing to see how God is working! and also very humbling to realise that we as christians are not 'better' or 'superior' to any other person around us. we are nothing without Christ. and with Christ, we are still nothing but Christ works through us and we are instruments for His glory. (:

also very very humbled because of what i had felt about council before this: my reluctance and everything. thank God for repentance. and thank God that He is the only one i need to make sure i'm right with. with man, i can do everything in my power to reconcile for something i did wrong, but once i've done that, they may see me differently or not really forgive me etc etc.

but God is awesome because He is so merciful, and i thank God that He is God and not man, and that He forgives freely. (: He loves me, doesnt want me to do wrong, but when i do and i'm repentant, His arms are open to receive me back. without me having to worry He wont forgive! His grace is just soooo amazingly abundant and free. and when i think of this grace it's just seriously...undeserved. i'm human and i make mistakes i really regret but cannot change at times, yet God sees my heart of repentance and separates my sin as far as the east is from the west! what an amazingly merciful and loving God!

thank God for His amazing grace. and Who He is that compels us to want to spread His Name to the whole wide world! (:

2011-10-26T21:01:00.002+08:00

wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
hebrews 12:1-2

when you start getting caught up in the routine of work and school and start losing sight of God, things get a little more meaningless. because really what is life without Him? it isnt life at all. and so i really need to set my eyes on Him instead of getting stressed by the tons of work and stuff i gotta do. and try to enjoy them in a way that glorifies Him! (:

if God is for us, who or what can be against us? we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
and i am persuaded that there is not any created thing which shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord!

2011-10-14T01:17:00.004+08:00

of all the things i believed in
i just wanna get it over with
tears form behind my eyes
but i do not cry
i'm counting the days pass me by

i've been searching deep down in my soul
words that i'm hearing are starting to get old
feels like i'm starting all over again
the last three years were just pretend
and i said

goodbye to you
goodbye to everything that i knew
you were the one i hoped
the one thing that i tried to hold on to

and i used to get lost in your eyes
and it seems that i can't live a day without you
closing my eyes, you chase my thoughts away
to a place where i am blinded by the light
but it's not right

goodbye to you
goodbye to everything that i knew
you were the one i hoped
the one thing that i tried to hold on to

and it hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time
i want what's yours and i want what's mine
i want you, but i'm not giving anything

goodbye to you
goodbye to everything that i thought i knew
you were the one i hoped
the one thing that i tried to hold on to

-

whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. and whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
matthew 10:37-39

2011-10-12T10:19:00.003+08:00

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

maybe it's time to fast and seek God. dont know what's wrong with me. just so hard to give up what i want to give up, and my twisted brain can find all means and ways to justify what im doing. but God is teaching me, and i will be patient and learn.

2011-09-29T21:12:00.002+08:00

祷告因为我渺小
祷告因为我知道我需要
明瞭你心意对我重要

祷告已假装不了
祷告因为你的爱我需要
你关怀我走过的你都明白

有些事我只想要对你说
因你比任何人都爱我
痛苦从眼中流下
我知道你为我擦
在早晨我也要来对你说
主耶稣今天我为你活
所需要的力量你天天赐给我
你恩典够我用

2011-09-29T00:43:00.002+08:00

its only when you start depending on yourself that you realise your heart gets tugged in the wrong directions so much more easily! the thing is not to just let it pass but to really just pray for God's strength to change our hearts before we start going into the 'downward spiral' and getting immune to it.

thank God for His Holy Spirit that really brings me back whenever im about to fall further and further. for reminding me once again He is my God and He is the One that gives me strength to do what is right. really seeing the need to seek Him in EVERYTHING cause it's so easy to fall.

take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine
take my heart, it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne
take my love, my Lord i pour
at Your feet its treasure store
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee!

thank God for cg today. (: what a great encouragement! to learn from God's Word and see how each of us is responding to it and being changed by it! so wonderful to see God's family learning together. (:

may we really push each other to live truly for the Lord and be bold to care for what God cares about and put that into actions of love! (:

2011-09-11T00:01:00.002+08:00

starting to read jim elliot again. (: really a blessing to read the writings of a man who was so devoted to seeking God's will and doing His will, despite the fact that he loved elizabeth and knew she loved him, and that God's will could possibly mean they wouldnt end up marrying each other! yet he was so focused on making sure he was doing what God wanted him to do. respect!

matthew 10:37-39
whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me. whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

that is one big cost to following Jesus! being willing to give up everything for Him! something i have been struggling so hard to do yet it seems to be a constant cycle of giving up everything, taking it back, giving it up again, etc etc. but God is so patient with me and keeps teaching me. that even though the heart says 'i dont wanna give it up' yet Lord, take my hands and teach me to let go.

no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.

seems like my problems are so big, but i realise that really my christian life shouldnt just be about me dealing with my sin or my own desires. it's so much more than that! like what is God doing in my church and in my campus thru me? what responsibilities have i taken up that i need to fulfil in God's Name and thru His strength? what have i not been lifting up to the Lord in prayer? am i really seeking His will for my life and my ministries?

if God is the Giver of all good things, will He not freely give us all things? guess it's learning to trust that God provides for all my needs freely and He knows what is best.

2011-08-26T00:33:00.002+08:00

i'll die to my own selfish dreams,
so You will reign in me.

this is it and thank God i don't feel sad. (: today was great! just thank God for His abiding presence the whole day! just sitting out in the deck with the wind and the unbelievable productivity + night sky later on was really a reminder God's grace and love that is so faithful to me even when i'm not. well it's over and i'm glad. and thank God He will see me through from now on and forevermore! (:

God's moulding is painful alot of the time, but it's great to know He's still working on me! (: testing and trying me yet giving me such joy today. thank God! and i will keep learning to seek Him and His kingdom from now on till i get to eternity with Him!

seeking You as a precious jewel,
Lord, to give up, i'd be a fool!

2011-08-20T02:09:00.004+08:00

i set out on a narrow way, many years ago
hoping i would find true love, along the broken road
but i got lost a time or two
wiped my brow, kept pushing through
i couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to You

every long lost dream led me to where You are
others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
pointing me on my way into Your loving arms
this much i know, it's true
that God blessed the broken road
that led me straight to You

i think about the years i spent, just passing through
i'd like to have the time i lost, and give it back to You
but You just smile and take my hand
You've been there, You understand
it's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true

every long lost dream led me to where You are
others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
pointing me on my way into Your loving arms
this much i know, it's true
that God blessed the broken road
that led me straight to You.

2011-08-19T00:14:00.002+08:00

and that was the day that i promised
i'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

continually learning to submit wholly to God. thank God for second chances! i know He knows what's best, but so many times i find myself taking matters into my own hands. i realise that once i think i've got everything figured out, i've got nothing figured out at all. depending on my own understanding and strength often leads to going my own way = hurting myself + maybe even hurting others.

God, forgive this foolish heart of mine.

2011-08-18T01:52:00.002+08:00

realised some things today. (:

got to talk to diwei today over lunch. just so encouraged by what God does in his life! that when he really knows he cant do it, and when he prays about it, God blesses him. because he'd know it isn't his own effort or work, but God was the One behind it. and his emphasis on prayer & yet remembering our unworthiness is just inspiring. it was a real blessing. (:

i really want to be that reliant on God. and today when i studied at the corridor of arts, i prayed about it and God really just helped me make good use of my time! most productive 2 hours in a long time! i'm just so thankful, it just was so wonderful to feel and know that God's presence was with me. the productivity was a bonus and also kinda like an assurance of His presence.. shouldn't ever become the main thing.

am beginning to see that since God has put me in the ministries He has, i really need to be prayerful + focused on Him while being part of them. distractions are just so present since school started. but im just glad He's bringing me back to Him and making me see that i need Him. cause what's the point without Him right?

He will sustain me, even if i feel lacking at times. and He will provide His love and grace (as He already has!), continually interceding for me, cleansing me, changing my heart, working thru me! and the best part is that He is with me all the time. (:

2011-08-03T22:41:00.002+08:00

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
psalm 103:11-10

God is so great. today i went for a wake, and was just so blessed by the sharing. recently i've been wanting to really seek God through His Word, to understand His grace once again, to have the motivation of His grace & love in everything i do. and today in some sense He fulfilled it. He reminded me of His great love and His wonderful grace through His Word that was shared. and i'm just so thankful that God's grace would reach me and when i awake from death He will be there as my Lord and Friend to welcome me into His kingdom! what an awesome thought. (:

and the story of the rich man was shared on how the man was sad cause he could not give up his money + possessions like Jesus asked him, he could not put Jesus above them. and i guess in following Jesus, it's not just giving things up, but giving what's dearest to our hearts in order that He may be first!

i'm still worried that one day again i'll lose sight of this grace and once again go back to having my own motivations and therefore living meaninglessly. but thats precisely why i have to depend on God everyday to sustain me and help me remember! i dont want to lose sight that i can stand before Him only because i stand in His grace! must really read the Word each day and remember Who i'm living my life for, and why.

really really thank God for such wonderful amazing grace and love! (:

i will trust in the cross of my Redeemer
i will sing of the blood that never fails
of sins forgiven, of conscience cleansed
of death defeated and life without end!

2011-07-26T08:54:00.002+08:00

as an act of spiritual worship instead of something i dont really want to give up but have to.

if God deserves all our worship, then i should learn to willingly forsake all and follow Him with a whole heart, and not like eve think God was trying to restrict us. but this is the best way for 'undevoted devotion to the Lord'!

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God — this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 1:1-2

2011-07-22T23:43:00.002+08:00

FREEDOM. (: (: (:

yesterday i committed my life to God to put Him first over a certain aspect of my life. and today i am FREE from this weight that has been hindering me my whole life. and i truly feel free! and i know it's not by my strength cause i could see how i still have sinful desires, yet God is enabling me to make Him Lord over them! God is so awesome, i am free!

and i think God has really been teaching me to 'esteem others better than myself'. cause i'm starting to see how people have different perspectives & opinions that add dimension to who God is & help me see different sides of issues. the challenge for me is to LISTEN without always trying to give a reply + in the process switching off. thank God cause He is teaching me great things. (:

but i think this victory is something i must keep remembering is God's, cause without Him, i can do nothing, and easily lapse back into sin. i really really want to lay aside every weight & the sin that so easily entangles, & look to Jesus to put Him as Lord over my whole life. to use every opportunity to be a channel of blessing to others & keep drawing from His love. cause He has made me free! (:

2011-07-21T20:19:00.004+08:00

just back from vcf foc! (:

i think it was a good time of fellowship & even just trying to be a good senior, haha. in the process was also really blessed by conversations and sharings by my group! (: especially today AFTER camp (how ironic) when we went for a 2+ hour brunch-lunch & got to really talk... thank God for the brothers & sisters i have in Christ that encourage me & whose goal is Christ!

learnt a lot of unrelated lessons too but it's all good! (: like how relationships can be built on Christ. at least i have an example of one so thats a guideline to follow! & learnt that i really need to sleep well cause if not i have no rahrah energy man... and sometimes no energy means its harder to really put in effort to love.

ohoh and i learnt that in biblical time, 'love' was visible! like even 1 john 4:9 says
'In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.'

cool cause it can see that God's love was expressed through an action of sacrifice. only in the romantic period that love became defined as more emotional. so in 'loving others' i think it doesnt always mean we have to feel a deep sense of care + concern for someone but rather to be committed to that person's good, even to the point of 'laying down our lives for our brethren'.

haha of course easier said than done. but i think it gets the 'need for emotion in order to love' part out of the way & shows how your love can be shown in your actions. & i guess also it's asking God to help you love others authentically + willingly cause love comes from God! (:

love keeps coming up, seriously. loving different people groups + yet how does it look like practically? etc etc. after all it is this love that is a mark of a christian who has experienced Christ's love. time to not only think but also do.

2011-07-16T10:44:00.004+08:00

let not the seeming greatness of our plans make us forget the One who gave us the plans, the One who changes hearts, and the One that gives the increase!

i realised that it is quite possible for us to ride on God's glory and power to bring glory to ourselves as well! it could seem like we were concerned for God's work but in conceiving of these plans we could also be captured by the glory and greatness it brings to us as we are the perceived doers of the work!

so dangerous... that we can divert glory to ourselves so easily! in doing so we slowly lose the focus that we're doing this work for. it becomes for us rather than God. it becomes a process of carrying out greatness rather than a dependence on God to fulfil His plans. it becomes our plans rather than God's plans. the focus shifts to ourselves.

in the end, God's work is hindered.

luke 9:37-44
On the next day, when they had come down from the mountain, a great crowd met him. And behold, a man from the crowd cried out, "Teacher, I beg you to look at my son, for he is my only child. And behold, a spirit seizes him, and he suddenly cries out. It convulses him so that he foams at the mouth, and shatters him, and will hardly leave him. And I begged your disciples to cast it out, but they could not." Jesus answered, "O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you and bear with you? Bring your son here." While he was coming, the demon threw him to the ground and convulsed him. But Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit and healed the boy, and gave him back to his father. And all were astonished at the majesty of God.

But while they were all marveling at everything he was doing, Jesus said to his disciples, "Let these words sink into your ears: The Son of Man is about to be delivered into the hands of men." But they did not understand this saying, and it was concealed from them, so that they might not perceive it. And they were afraid to ask him about this saying.

while i cant be totally sure... as it seems from the context, i wonder if the disciples found they could not do God's work & cast out the spirit because they had started having a wrong focus to God's work... a focus that was on greatness and glory rather than God's glory!

it may sound quite far off but actually if we really think abt it, what work could we be doing for God that we actually take pride and glory ourselves in? it could be leading a ministry, leading a bs group, being a friend to the friendless even! it could be anything! where our focus is shifted, our god shifts as well.

so let us not forget the One who enables us, the One who has given us opportunity to take part in His work, and remember we are just distributors of His grace to those around us. let all glory go to God!

2011-07-15T12:35:00.005+08:00

what does it mean to make God Lord of our lives?

to make Him Lord in every aspect, every moment. and today 'every moment' became more apparent to me. even in the moments when im super absorbed/concentrating on something, whether it's a tv show, trying to think about the lyrics of a song, even preparing bible study, whatever it is, i must be willing to give up that moment for the Lord.

thing is i really dont like being distracted halfway in those moments. it's a kinda 'me-time' thing. but then whose am i now? its not about me anymore, and i guess thats something i gotta remember. just cause at that point im fixed on doing/finishing something, i must always be ready to do another thing that's part of the Lord's work, whenever He calls. after all i'm in a sense supposed to be doing His work at all times.

His call could be anything. being willing to help another person with something, taking the initiative to do something without being asked. most of the time i find that the call is to be loving. and the battle really starts at home where it's most comfortable, it's the most 'me' kinda space i have. at home too i must be ready to give up whatever im doing for other things i know i need to do.

i think at those points the first thing easiest to feel is frustration. but where is the love & grace for others we're supposed to have? where's our surrender to Christ? are we reflecting Christ at those times? yeah i today i realised i really need to be more patient and stop getting annoyed at every interruption.

really the ideal to strive for is Christ, in every moment, every aspect of life. His compassion, His love for people, His patience and grace.

2011-07-13T18:27:00.003+08:00

some things i learnt (thanks to mers' video)!

1. sin is against God Himself
the Lord to david: 'Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.' 1 sam 12:9-10
david: 'Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.' psalm 51:4

2. we can deal with temptation!
thru God's enabling: 'No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.' 1 cor 10:13
flee & pursue good things: 'Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.' 2 tim 2:22

3. God is FOR us, not AGAINST us! = change our mindsets!
'What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?' romans 8:31
'Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?' romans 8:35
'For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' romans 8:38-39

4. a closer walk with God when we deal with sin!
'Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god.' psalm 24:3-4

the coolest thing i think was about changing our mindsets on how God is for us. like because He is for us, why should we be discontent or wanting? we know He has the best plans for us, with our good in mind! if we harbour the attitude that 'God's not giving me something' or that 'God is blessing other people and not me' then it will result in us thinking God doesnt care or have our best interests. then we take matters into our own hands. but God does care: He is FOR us + LOVES us and so we must change our mindsets!

then it results in the awesome knowledge that everything we have now is really God's best for us! and so we can, without bitterness or resentment towards God, fully use everything He has blessed us with for His glory & to develop our relationship with Him! (:

thank God for His Word that teaches us to deal with sin! (:

2011-07-13T01:29:00.002+08:00

so tired with going through the same struggle again and again. telling myself: no more expectations! but its not that easy because they are there, they come up so easily, they are automatic. but i guess its the offering of expectations up to the Lord & trusting that they are in His hands and He knows what to do with them.

i want to serve God with a whole heart and without distraction but why is it so difficult? like to just FOCUS and seek Him first and put aside all obstacles that prevent that?

besides that. its been a good holiday. (: learning both for my brain and for life. painful learning also. but its been good! and modules next sem are getting me excited! (: and loads of meetups + esp encouraged yesterday! thank God for the people He puts in my life.

wish i could really just put His purposes, His mission, my relationship with Him first first first. fill my eyes with the vision of the cross, Lord!

2011-07-12T10:47:00.002+08:00

i'll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became
everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page in history
He's the air that i breathe
the water i thirst for
and the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
everything to me

'the air that i breathe'! 'everything'! those words really got to me. what does it mean to say Jesus is EVERYTHING to me? that in everything, i see Him as part of my life. that He's more than air, water, ground, everyday things. i dont know how to explain but that my longing for Him would be more than anything in this earthly world.

we're living in uncertain times
and more and more i find that i'm aware of just how fragile life can be
i wanna tell the world i've found a love that turned my life around
they need to know that they can taste and see
now everyday i'm praying just to give my heart away
i wanna live for Jesus so that someone else might see that He is everything

to make God my everything and fix my eyes on His purposes.

2011-07-12T01:15:00.002+08:00

there is a place, hid in my heart
where secret dreams and hopes i guard
but in that place, Lord You must reign
and i must lay them down to die.

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

"you will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
jeremiah 29:13

2011-06-27T10:48:00.002+08:00

take my will and make it Thine,
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart, it is Thine own,
it shall be Thy royal throne.
take my love, my Lord i pour,
at Thy feet its treasure store.
take myself and i will be:
ever, only, all for Thee!

for where your heart is, there will your treasure be also.

2011-06-13T02:22:00.003+08:00

thank God for His providence! :)

retreat just went by like that! me and elyssa had a really great comm: mers, kerwin, marcus! really fun working tgt. :) i really thank God how elyssa made it so that all of us would pray in one round before starting/ending most of the time. then we really saw God working!

for me i was mostly worried about workshops, message etc., those with spiritual lessons, worried the yfers wouldn't get it, or wouldn't listen & learn, etc. but from the sharing i can see that God really worked despite our fears and weaknesses! i really think that He blessed us because of prayer. because He would be glorified by our dependence on Him. knowing we wouldnt be able to have done anything right without Him leading and providing for us.

thank God cause so many things fell into place! logistics, timing, weather, learning. things we didnt have control over. and i couldnt really tell, being in the comm, but people said that they saw love which was amazing cause it's not due to what we did but really how God worked in people's hearts! He did all and we were just tools.

and in the process, even the comm got to learn along with the yf! bs, message, night workshop. i was blessed by catching once again the glimpse of how love looks like! like in the example of Jesus and the leper, and He touching the leper, breaking boundaries, reaching out in love. i'm like wow. and the song that really challenged us:

if we are the body
why aren't His arms reaching?
why aren't His hands healing?
why aren't His words teaching?
and if we are the body
why aren't His feet going?
why is His love not showing them there is a way?

thank God He carries out all things to His glory! :)
now to keep praying, cause now real life starts.

2011-06-01T01:03:00.002+08:00

back from earc!
wow the past few days feels so surreal! but it was a whole lot of fun. (:

had a sunday birthday party with the family + friends + yd! (: thanks everyone who came! <3 wah and there was so many people helping, even elyssa had to cut ginger for some reason cause auntie lena was helping with the food. and elyssa had exams, thank e! (: just had a good time hanging out + bible taboo + talking.

next day met rach at bedok to buy our sg shirts. haha quite cool cause we were supposed to meet at 1 but i had to leave at 11.30 to catch the shuttle bus. then realised on the train that i should have just told rach to meet at 1.30 cause the next bus was at 1.15 and actually it took super fast for me to get to bedok. but the cool thing was that rach was already at bedok when i was at the mrt so actually the timing was good! (: God's arrangement, haha. we shared a chicken from the supermarket for lunch heehee.

haha the whole time i thought it was a arts comm retreat but it was actually a surprise birthday celebration awwww. (: thanks guys for organizing!! it meant a lot. but haha cant believe i came up with all the excuses for the party + provided the place & food for it. and thanks guys (joshua + daryl + michael) for preparing food, awww so sweet of ya'll to put in the effort! mambo + comm + guitar hero + mahjong = awesomeness. <3 <3 <3

slept over & next day went for breakfast with kevin & daryl, then me and daryl had accommodation duty. super tired but quite fun! after that was goodie bag packing which was fun too. but by the end of the day me and daryl were dying, haha.

earc was just unreal. like just having the time to meet christians of so many nations & tongues was so cool. and getting to know them as people who are not so different from me as i would imagine. hearing their sharings & being touched by their lives. i've really learnt a lot from them. learning tgt + waking each other up during msg + laughing at each other + asking about each other's ministries. and the awesome-fun urban hunt + good food + retardedness. wow it was just such a wonderful experience.

learnt a lot, just need time to reflect on all the info given, haha. but most of all i think i've learnt from others' lives & encouragement, to not be ashamed of the gospel! learnt also some lessons about relationships, cant figure it out but i guess gotta keep figuring out.

really miss them... feels so weird to be home. but i think i can't keep looking back and feeling sad. if never again, i'll still meet them in heaven! (: so i think it's great to look back on the memories + keep encouraging each other in our ministries, but it's also time to look forward and put what we've learnt into practice. faith without actions is dead after all!

and rach is our next chair, God is awesome! my lapses of faith is put to shame at God's prevailing power!

2011-05-18T23:53:00.002+08:00

from passion & purity:
what has been like water from the well of Bethlehem to you recently? love, friendship, spiritual blessing? then at the peril of your soul you take it to satisfy yourself. if you do, you cannot pour it out before the Lord. how am i to pour out spiritual gifts, or natural friendship, or love? how can i give them to Christ? in one way only - in the determination of the mind, and that takes about 2 seconds. if i hold spiritual blessings or friendship for myself they will corrupt me, no matter how beautiful they are. i have to pour them out before the Lord, giving them to Him in my mind, though it looks as if I am wasting them, even as David poured the water out on the sand, to be instantly sucked up.

re-reading passion and purity and am getting challenged once again. its so true. once we take something to satisfy ourselves instead of finding total satisfaction in the Lord, it gets dangerous. how can we 'take something for ourselves' any longer? we are no longer our own boss! all things we have to lift out to the Lord. the harder it is, the more likely we are inclined to take that thing for ourselves instead of living a life where every aspect is lifted up to the Lord.

and yes whatever we keep for ourselves will corrupt us, no matter how right they sound. friendship, love, blessings. they can become our priority, our god, in place of our one true God! so when i find myself finding it hard to turn myself from something, all the more i need to pour it out to the Lord, and walk away from it, knowing it's in God's hands.

sin is sooo subtle! we could just do it without thinking we are putting that thing first if we dont check our motives. so really must make sure every thought is brought under subjection to Christ, that we do all things in His will and for His glory.

i think i read something about 'mere desires' from elizabeth elliot. really, what we mostly struggle with, they are just mere desires compared to the greatness of God's glory! are we willing to set them aside? are we willing to give all our rights to God, all our rights to act and withhold to God, so that when we act (in anything!), we act because we know it is God's will that we do so? rather than just following our mere desires!

our lives are no longer our own! yet when we look at the vastness of God and His glory that is to be shown, it really outshines everything. so i think we have to remember to really fix our eyes on that glory and not lose sight of it just because of mere desires that cloud our feelings and make us short-sighted for that moment. seeing that our mission is bigger than all these desires make them small and insignificant in the light of God!

2011-04-22T20:35:00.003+08:00

God is so awesome. (:

good friday today and i really wanted to praise God but felt like i hadnt really been remembering what He's done for me. then went for service and was blessed. for the message, i was kinda skeptical at first when we were told psalm 22 was a messianic psalm that was an insight into Christ's suffering. but as the message went on, i was really struck by the resemblance to the gospel account! it was super cool.

then pastor yap reached the end and told us that in hebrew, it meant 'it is finished.' at that point God reminded me of the significance of those words. it's like i've been studying and studying this past week, sure we had morning & dinner prayer and i talked to God in pockets of time, but i think it was more routine than dependence? but these 3 words, 'it is finished' was so awesome to me cause it reminded me that we already have the victory because Christ has taken our sins on Himself, the greatest battle has been fought, we will not face defeat!

was just thinking about me studying and although not stressed, i was just blindly going on and on without remembering what freedom i have in Christ! that wow i am seriously free to live life because Christ has accomplished all for me! and i can add on nothing. wow. meaning i dont need to strive for achievement, cause thats not the most important thing, in fact the most important thing has already been settled!

it was a total load of my mind and i really praise God for reminding me today of His grace and presence for me, now and forever. (: thank God for sylo as well, encouraged by the rest + their sharings. (:

and today when i studied, God really sped up my studying, i dont even know how. it was just faster than usual, i mean i spent less time on a chapter than i usually do. it was amazing cause i know it's not just a coincidence, it's really God's grace and a little encouragement that He will be with me, whatever happens. (: praise God 'it is finished' and i already have the most important thing: a relationship with God!

feels good to be free! (:

my heart is filled with thankfulness to Him who bore my pain
who plumbed the depths of my disgrace and gave me life again
who crushed my curse of sinfulness and clothed me in His light
and wrote His law of righteousness with power upon my heart

my heart is filled with thankfulness to Him who walks beside
who floods my weaknesses with strength and causes fear to fly
whose every promise is enough for every step i take
sustaining me with arms of love and crowning me with grace

my heart is filled with thankfulness to Him who reigns above
whose wisdom is my perfect peace, whose every thought is love
for every day i have on earth is given by the King
so i will give my life, my all, to love and follow Him! (:

2011-04-18T23:15:00.002+08:00

studying today at school was pretty fun! (:

thank God for brothers and sisters in Christ to pray with + study with. learning not to depend so much on people as well. and for a good talk with auntie in the morning. and for another good (though short) talk with rach on the way home. (: really hope i get to serve with her next year, really want to + looking forward to it but all in God's providence i guess!

thank God for good study time although i slept quite a bit. but He got me through today! (: and im not getting crazy and stressed yet... though i need to be more patient when dealing with family especially in this period.

wanna get through this period with the Lord!

2011-04-08T11:57:00.002+08:00

thank God for yesterday. (:

maybe sometimes we assume that when 2 people get together, that's it, they have each other, they have their own relationship, they're not interested in us anymore. but is that really it? or is that really how it is supposed to be? maybe the assumption we have is that relationships are the goal/priority of all relationships which is so not true! thank God for opening my eyes and reminding me that relationships are eternal! (: that if you look into the future we have in God's kingdom, we are a body of Christ there together, and our relationships we have built on earth continue to be eternal in heaven!

just opens up my perspective of relationships, that there is a point in building them. if the end goal is to love God more, to become more like Him, to live as He wanted us to live, then why build relationships? to spur each other to be more like Christ. because when we fellowship with each other, God is among us. to remind each other of the hope we have in Christ. to look out for and pray for each other. to encourage each other and support each other in the Lord! to keep each other from falling and rebuke in love. to truly care for each special person who is part of God's people. to love others because Christ has first loved us.

so cool. God is so awesome. we were not made to be lonely, even though we are still supposed to be putting God first. God's plan includes community! (:

2011-04-02T23:52:00.002+08:00

thank God for auntie reminding me today that sin is very subtle, that we do it even when we think we're not trying to do it. a few steps in the wrong direction can lead to you going in that direction. i think this has many implications. that even when your motives feel even abit wrong, or something you do feels strange (like why did i do this particular thing? what's the real motive?), we gotta straightaway bring it before God and make sure our motives are pure before Him, before we start stepping in the wrong direction.

also thank God for message today, reminding me again to not be fearful. at council i was already reminded how joshua, who had big shoes (moses') to fill, was told by God to 'be strong and very courageous'!

God said:
"just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them. only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go. this Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. have I not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

so i dont need to fear going into a ministry where i feel inadequate for. He enables! and today's message zhiwen reminded us that our salvation doesnt rest on our feelings but God's faithfulness! and He will be faithful in carrying out this work He has started in us too. :) thank God for His encouragement! but i know i need to go into this with God all the way, and not let pride or fear get in the way. having confidence in God's strength rather than my own!

2011-03-11T10:49:00.002+08:00

there's a cry in my heart
for Your glory to fall
for Your presence to fill up my senses
there's a yearning within
a thirst for discipline
a hunger for things that are deeper

could You take me beyond?
could You carry me through?
if i open my heart
could You carry me through?
for i've been here before
and i know there's still more
Lord, i need to know You

for what do i have, if i don't have you Jesus?
what in this life could mean any more?
You are my Rock
You are my Glory
You are the Lifter of my head!

2011-03-04T23:38:00.003+08:00

who am i, that the Lord of all the earth
would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?
who am i, that the Bright and Morning Star
would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart?

not because of who i am, but because of what You've done
not because of what i've done, but because of who You are

i am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapour in the wind
still You hear me when i'm calling
Lord, You catch me when i'm falling
and you told me who i am
i am Yours

who am i, that the eyes that see my sin
would look on me with love, and watch me rise again?
who am i, that the voice that calmed the sea
would call out through the rain, and calm the storm in me?

not because of who i am, but because of what You've done
not because of what i've done, but because of who You are

i am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapour in the wind
still You hear me when i'm calling
Lord, You catch me when i'm falling
and you told me who i am
i am Yours

it's such a relief that God is Who He is. on this earth, whenever i 'lose' something, i realise how much it means to me. and what on this earth doesn't disappoint or is imperfect in some sense? it's such a relief God is Who He is because despite my own ups and downs, wanderings, failings, yet He accepts me back with open arms. it's like incomprehensible how anyone could be so loving, so patient. thank God for Who He is, cause it doesn't depend on who i am or what i've done.

seriously, who am i that God would bother with me and everything about me? it's just so unnatural for anyone to expend so much to love someone like me. only God can know everything about us and still love us. i know that, and even more clearly each time i 'lose'. so maybe it's a good thing to go through some pain to tear myself away from this world, and cling ever more to Christ.

2011-02-23T22:47:00.002+08:00

today was awesome. (: (:

we had a mambo outing to rachel's church for captain's ball/floorball/soccer! but we only played captain's ball in the end. at first i was abit sianzzz cause im bad at it, but after the first 2 games it was really fun! (: maybe just gotta warm up. like seriously this was the best game of captain's ball ever! haha i think cause people actually passed to me so i got practice and then it got better. (: fun! i actually caught the ball + scored a few times! like unbelievable, haha.

and in between it rained then the uncles in the church were sweeping up the water. then the guys went to help them, like hold the umbrella for the uncle + sweep the water. and then more of us joined in. it was really cool just watching this scene cause it felt like church? God's church! (: and i was telling sharyn wow if only this could happen in my church with the yfers. maybe this will be how great it feels in heaven to be serving the Lord alongside each other. (:

thank God for my cg that encourages me + feels like family! (: thank God for my spiritual family in Christ!

2011-02-22T22:26:00.002+08:00

take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee!
take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
take my feet and let them be,
swift and beautiful for Thee

take my voice and let me sing
always, only, for my King
take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee
take my silver and my gold
not a mite would i withhold
take my intellect and use
every power as You choose

here am i, all of me
take my life, it's all for Thee.

take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart, it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
take my love, my Lord i pour
at Thy feet its treasure store
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

i only want my heart to belong wholly to the Lord first and to no other.
God help me.

2011-02-21T23:13:00.002+08:00

my brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. but let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

'wanting nothing'! okay we won't be perfect till Jesus comes again, but we can come close to wanting nothing! which is really what i've been desiring. it's quite cool cause trials bring about patience (=steadfastness in esv). steadfastness in faith so that our faith can be 'tried with fire' and still 'be found unto praise and honour and glory' when Jesus comes!

having a faith that becomes me, defines me. so that i will not be wavering or 'double minded' cause 'a double minded man is unstable in all his ways'. really true... having to alternate between trusting God and trusting self comes when my faith isn't as strong as it should be. when i am too proud to totally leave things to God and want to carve out a way for myself (even if i don't actually literally do it!).

thank God for His Word.

i need to remember that 'man shall not live by bread alone, but by EVERY WORD that proceedeth from the mouth of God'! every word = i really need to know + live every word & then i will not be tossed about by every wind of doctrine. :) like finally.

2011-02-10T21:51:00.002+08:00

having a 'heart' for something. just realised what that means. i used to say i want to have a 'heart' for something more in the feeling sense of being compelled rather than coerced. but today rach enlightened me on what having a 'heart' for something really means: caring for the people you 'have a heart' for! caring in the hard times even, when you dont feel like caring, when you're feeling sianzz for the ministry, when all that's keeping you going is the 'coercion'. cause even in the midst of this, God teaches you to be responsible! responsible in caring for people you have a heart for even when you dont feel like it. :)

and got to speak to shuzhen today and she really encouraged me. saying that in every ministry God puts you in, even if you feel inadequate/undeserving to be in that position, that it's not the outcome/end result that really matters. it's about the growth we go through in taking up that role. :) and she also reminded me not to be 'led by the nose' but rather have my own opinions and ask God to lead rather than man. to have His will, His purpose in mind as i consider the ministry. to pray.

okay so here begins the 'fast' for prayer engage! we're gonna pray and seek the Lord together as christians on campus. and theres this really cool verse:

"if My people
who are called by My name
will humble themselves and pray
and seek my face
and turn from their wicked ways,
then will I hear from heaven
and will forgive their sin
and will heal their land."
1 chronicles 7:14

my 'fast' isnt really from anything but just to PRAY MORE! :) to start putting prayer into practice by setting aside time for it! :)

2011-02-09T22:27:00.002+08:00

so Spirit come, put strength in every stride
give grace for every hurdle
that we may run, with faith to win the prize
of a servant good and faithful!

dunno why, already facing silly problems created by myself. but i guess its a good reminder that i really must remember Who is my Lord and my Master so i know what's important. and to really really depend on Him and walk with Him every step cause it's so easy to start thinking that 'hey i can do this on my own already' and just start walking my own way.

it's natural to be facing doubts but Who is my God? Who is in control here? and Whose work will be carried out? may He give the power, whether i'm weak or 'strong'. cause it's just tooooo easy to fall when i start depending on myself. in fact i'd had already fallen.

2011-02-07T23:04:00.002+08:00

God is soooo good! :)

this chinese new year break was a real break, didnt do much work at all. so for that i'm actually quite thankful. :) besides that, somehow my sleeping patterns have worked out so that i can actually get out of bed in the morning and be awake! to someone else this may seem so trivial but to me, it really makes a LOT of difference, having not been able to feel fully awake for so long. :) thank God for clarity of mind! and for newfound awakeness during lectures + interesting textbooks!

thank God also for the meeting with lena, where i could share all the areas where my spiritual life has been going down, remembering all the responsibilities i have to do, and just getting back on track through accountability! :) haha. it really made a difference cause it made me clearer on what needs to be done about my spiritual life. :)

also started reading another elizabeth elliot book. kinda cool cause it's about finding out what it means to be a woman, like how we were supposed to be when we were created by God. one cool thing was, imagine if eve said to the snake, 'let me not be like God. let me be a woman.' and thereby affirming that she wanted to be who God had made her to be! i guess sometimes we so easily take up the role of 'God' in our lives and run it on our own terms, and forget that we are no longer our own.

sounds like a good start!! :) now to 'continue' in the Lord!

2011-02-01T22:37:00.001+08:00

Shepherd of my soul, i give You full control
wherever You may lead, i will follow
i have made the choice to listen to Your voice
wherever You may lead, i will go

be it in a quiet pasture, or by a gentle stream
the Shepherd of my soul is by my side
should i face the mighty mountains
or a valley dark and deep
the Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

2011-01-17T23:47:00.002+08:00

my mind is quite jumbled, seems like i really wanna think straight and make decisions clearly but i cant? cause i dont really seem to be making them clearly and firmly? or maybe i havent stepped out in faith to believe that God will give second chances. that i can truly just forget the past and move forward. maybe thats actually all it takes: faith. but then it's also a gift of God so shouldnt it be given?

now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
hebrews 11:1

although it seems difficult to believe God would graciously forgive our repeated, countless sins and let us move on, maybe this is the 'thing not seen' that we have to put our faith in. it is hoped for, and it is said in the Word that if we repent He will be faithful to forgive.

now for faith to trust that!

2011-01-01T02:14:00.002+08:00

Christ as the centre of all things = integrated life = everything i do, let it be a work for Christ and for God's glory! quite cool to see it that way cause it seems that really whatever i do, however small, can still be done for Christ.

makes me think about yf comm next year, and for the new sem coming up. to be able to do ALL things in Christ's Name, to be conscious of what i'm doing at all times, to not do just for the sake of doing.

'redeeming the time' = not how much you do, but WHAT you do with your time.

only through His strength!

2010-12-29T23:55:00.002+08:00

need to get back to the heart of things.

as reminded, learn to stop judging situations and people so much to the extent of discouragement, and instead focus on becoming more Christ-like and therefore, loving genuinely. stop looking at circumstances and instead look to God, since they aren't even in my control. sometimes thinking too much about the state of things really gets you nowhere!

so, back to learning to seek God and praying. like so easy to say but hard to do. seek God to have a purpose and direction as i serve instead of half-heartedness, and prayer = so important to depend on God in all things, commit to Him all my ways.

purposeful planning + godly motives + unquestioning dependence!

2010-11-26T21:41:00.003+08:00

to:

think more, talk less.
love others more, love self less.
use time more wisely, laze less.
praise more, complain less.
pray more, worry less.

2010-11-25T23:27:00.002+08:00

finally over liao! :)

wah uni exams have never been so rush before, one exam after another. somemore this time got caught up in the stress, got sian of studying many times etc etc. but, it's over! thank God. hopefully next sem will (seriously) be better. but God has really blessed me in ways i dont deserve! like each exam wasnt toooo bad... not as bad as i expected lah. but i really gotta learn to put Him first even in the crazy study/stress times.

now to do holiday stuff!! :) paint camp coming up dudez. :)

2010-11-11T01:15:00.006+08:00

it's been a good sem! :) ups and downs, but nevertheless, God is faithful!

so many things have happened. from 'i can't be cgl', 'i'm not smart enough for uni', 'i want to quit school', God has brought me through! :) not that all's good, but somehow it's all good in Christ i guess.

one thing keeps coming back to me. whenever i get to that point of stress where i'm just rushing through the textbook and stressing about how i'm gonna finish and i'm gonna die etc. THAT is the time when i have to stop myself and ask 'have i become a slave to studies? i have been made free in Christ! so why now am i studying?'

thank God He enables me to STOP myself at that point of stress and REMIND myself WHO is my God, who i am in Christ, and i am FREE from bondage of any idol or any other thing that once had a hold on me. just to refocus and rethink my motivations. thank God HE ENABLES! and i must remember, that being able to glorify God in any way is His work in me, and only achieved through Him.

yesterday was another crazy study time God where God reminded me of this new freedom i have in Him, thank God for calmness (though lapses of faith came at times)! calmness doesnt come easy in uni but thank God He provided it! now to face the finals with that attitude of freedom in Christ, and not to be overwhelmed by what i've been freed from!

thank God for brothers and sisters in Christ that encourage me and understand me. :) thank God for this LOVE we have in Christ.

okay just jumbled thoughts. but God has been faithful! :) and i really need to learn that He is sovereign, He is in control, He has a plan! even when circumstances around are daunting, He will do what He will and we must trust that He knows what He's doing, and what He is doing is best. and not always look at what we want, what we can do, without seeking Him.

haha, easy to say, hard to do. God help us!

2010-10-31T00:20:00.003+08:00

last week while going about my usual rounds of voicing discouragement and sadness over the church to elsa, she turned to me and asked,

"where is your faith? WHO is your God? is your God this bird?" *points to a plastic bird in a plastic plant*

what wise words! i really thank God for the timely reminder. making me realise, why am i worrying so much? once i give it to God, i can stop worrying and KNOW He is in control of all things and orders all things! and my God is not a God who is limited! He is all-powerful, sovereign, and not as small/distant from His people as i may think! thank God for elsa! <3

i guess... who knows what will happen right? of course i hope for the best, but i can think of possible undesirable outcomes. i love this church, but there's only so much we can do, or more like so much God allows/wills us to do. really must learn to trust Him that whatever happens, He has a reason, and He will bring His will to pass however He will. and, to make sure that whatever we do, to focus on His love, and how we can love! it's so important, its the core of the Christian life! and we cannot let minor grey area things take precedence over the MOST important thing!

haha getting worked up again. i need to learn to love more also... even if it's hard. better pray more too... we don't want to start anything, or go through with anything, without God, if not, no point already. may God grant us grace!

2010-10-14T22:38:00.003+08:00

its been a few days already, but im really glad i went for ft last tuesday! not really due to ft itself, seeing i was late and all, but im so thankful i could go home with rachel lim and be encouraged by her. what makes her such an encouragement to me is that she can actually see potential in me (of all people) and reassure me that she chose me as cgl for good reason. though sometimes her reasons are qualities i dont see in myself, but just knowing someone believes in me makes all the difference. and what's more she's someone i really look up to, and hearing her verbally tell me what she believes i can do despite her experience and qualities is something that means so so much.

i've been reminded by her about something really important: i realized i have let the structure, the 'objectives' of cg take away the heart of it - encouragement, love, as a body of Christ! i forgot that in the end it's about using what God has given me despite my fears, and He has given me things, contrary to popular belief (of myself). and that i can still be a cgl despite the obvious lack of qualities i have. the heart: i have lost the heart! somehow i am not really fully letting this ministry be God's, and have been too focused on everything going 'well', too focused on myself, my fears, and forgetting what being a Christian means, forgetting love. thank God for the reminder by rachel <3

today also was a lesson learnt. ive let the 'efficiency' of the school system get to me, believing im doing so much, not wanting to be 'disadvantaged' by doing more than others, all in my heart but thats where it starts right? i dont want to waste my life thinking this way, it's so self-seeking and unloving. i really lack love. but at least God reminds, and shows me how i need to trust Him more.

let me be a little kinder,
let me be a little blinder
to the faults of those around me
let me praise a little more!
let me dream when i am weary
just a little bit more cheery
think a little more of others,
and a little less of me!

let me be a little braver,
when temptation bids me waver
let me strive a little harder
to be all that i should be
let me be a little meeker,
with a brother who is weaker!
think a little more of others,
and a little less of me!

i am soooo not going to let the school system get to me (help me God)!

2010-10-09T23:54:00.002+08:00

e-learning week's over, really back to school time.

although i fell sick during e-learning, therefore lowering my total productivity, im glad i got some extra rest this time. :) and it was the kind of rest where i felt it was deserved? not only cause i was sick, but the rest of the time, i was being productive, so thank God. :)

besides that, i've been wondering when my love and hunger for God's Word is going to come. somehow i realise that i think i've been going through the 'christian' motions and not really really thinking about what i'm doing. kind of drifting around but thinking i'm anchored? although throughout this time God has been really faithful and merciful, still being with me and granting me strength, but on my part, i honestly feel there's so much more that i could seek God with, so much more motivation i could have that is lacking...

also the last cg i led, i felt like i was just doing it with my own strength. got too worried about how i hadn't gone for cbs, implying that if i did, i'd be okay. which = not depending on God, depending on own understanding. felt more and more inadequate/unsuited to serve in vcf. but then God caught me in my thoughts and reminded me: where am i putting my identity?

if i put my identity in myself, all i'm going to see is weakness (without Him i can do nothing!). but i really have to learn to find my identity in Christ, then circumstances won't rock the firmness of my foundation. wow this takes much more discipline than i thought, cause i could just be routinely doing 'christian' things, but if my heart is not there, where is it? and if it's somewhere else, am i doing anything about it?

where your heart is, there will your treasure be also.

i need more discipline. dont want to waste my life away. :/

2010-09-16T23:02:00.005+08:00

God has been so good! :) as always.

the crazy last week of school is over. and thank God He got me through it! there were times of stress + cramming, but in the midst of it, thank God that He reminded me this is not all there is to life, and to try to enjoy the studying. didn't always manage to do that, but somehow exams were much easier to get past this time, despite unpreparedness + unfinished studying + worry.

the night before the stats exam, i became too obsessed worrying over how much there was to do + how little time there was, and He reminded me to stop myself, take a step back and remember His grace.

Through present sufferings, future's fear,
He whispers 'courage' in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms,
And they will lead me home.

and thank God for this wonderful song cause i was reminded that we have a greater Hope even in the midst of all our circumstances, and He is with us, by our sides, even now! :) also before history exam, i was worrying cause i havent taken history since sec 2, and again this song reminded me of Who my Treasure should be. :) and somehow, in all 3 exams, i got to finish a sufficient (to me) amount of studying! somehow i could stay awake, somehow i could study for hours straight, somehow i could have the strength and motivation to keep going, somehow i was happy with all that i'd finished studying.

all praise and glory to God! :)

now to still depend on Him as i enter the 1 week break, learn to use His time wisely, and not to go back to depending on myself since the crazy week has past.

2010-09-13T00:16:00.000+08:00

There is a hope that burns within my heart,
That gives me strength for every passing day;
A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part,
Yet drives all doubt away:
I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven;
And Christ in me, the hope of heaven!
My highest calling and my deepest joy,
To make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,
A consolation strong against despair,
That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,
I find the Saviour there!
Through present sufferings, future's fear,
He whispers 'courage' in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms,
And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,
That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,
To see the matchless beauty of a day divine
When I behold His face!
When sufferings cease and sorrows die,
And every longing satisfied.
Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,
For I am truly home.

2010-09-09T21:29:00.002+08:00

the stress comes, but God is always good. :)

yesterday was the day stress suddenly hit me, when i fell asleep at stats lecture (again) and remembered the 3 mid-term tests + 1 presentation, all on wednesday and thursday next week. havent done much at all + very far behind readings = felt quite hopeless, negative, dont deserve to be in uni etc etc. (thanks for those who tried to tell me otherwise! <3)

but thank God despite my weakness and worries, He reminded me right on the same day that He is in control. when i went for arts prayer with kev, amitha and laipeng, i realised my worries are so insignificant compared to the big picture: the world's problems, what God is doing on campus, who God is! thank God for prayer! that we may cast all our cares on Him, knowing He is sovereign and sustains all things. thanks for the encouragement guys! <3

plus, cg was encouraging too! despite my inadequacy, God always does exactly what He wills. thank God cg went okay. so encouraging to see everyone opening up, and i hope really that we can all be challenged in our perspectives by what God's Word tells us! mambo! <3

just gonna try to chiong, keeping in mind that even if i seriously fail my tests/presentations whatever, that it wont cripple me, after all i shouldnt place all my hopes on studies that aren't God right? so i'm gonna do my best, can only go up from here! and most importantly learn to find peace and strength in God.

stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest,
finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest. :)

2010-09-06T01:07:00.003+08:00

it's been awhile since i've updated, school's been busy. but it's been quite a different experience really.

i think there's a really thin line between studying for God and studying for yourself. these few weeks i've been trying to study/enjoy what i'm studying and try to learn about God's creation (sometimes i forget to though), and yet i stop myself at times while studying to ask 'if i were to stop studying now cause God wanted me to do something else, would i be willing to?' and somehow it makes studying more cautious. so it's hard to be 'efficient' and yet keep this in mind... i guess it's a learning process that can't be learned so quickly. it's a balancing act, trying to do my readings and yet not letting studies get to me so much that i lose sight of God.

thank God so far i've survived. not that i've always been able to keep God in sight or that i've finished my readings (far from it!) but that i'm still going. although i hope i can make better use of the time i set aside to study instead of sleeping too much. that'll be something to work on. then on sundays, i can truly have a rest after a week of hard work. :) but through it all, to still remember that ultimately, study can't become 'all i have'.

today's message was about contentment. and there are seriously a lot of aspects of contentment to consider if you really think about it. being contented about your situation, not being complainey (hard stuff!), making the most of what God has given, not wanting more and more (in so many aspects! relationships, clothes, qualities, grades) and instead finding satisfaction in God! learning to need nothing!

i find i want many things, but contentment is something that can be learned, and so it is actually possible! :)

back to school tomorrow, hopefully i can learn to make the most of each day the Lord gives! not just studying, but in whatever relationships i build, in whatever responsibility i undertake, in whatever situation i'm in, that hopefully i can glorify Him in my deeds and in my heart!

2010-08-21T09:06:00.003+08:00

thank God for His forgiveness! :)

was thinking why i was so hardhearted on thursday night. watched the lifehouse everything skit and thought of how helpless the girl was, deciding to follow other things of the world for satisfaction, finally God reached out to receive her back into a relationship with Him, the most satisfaction she can have.

that night i thank God He worked in my heart to commit myself back to Him, ive done it many times recently but i guess it's a gradual thing maybe? to really understand i dont want to be stuck in this cycle of sin any longer and to be free from it.

and yesterday God enabled me to do my readings. like seriously. cause nowadays ive been so tired all the time that im even tired the whole day on my free day! but yesterday, even though there were periods of tiredness, i know the times i was awake God was sustaining me cause otherwise i wouldnt have stayed awake for so long! :) thank God for His grace.

yesterday i also learnt something. cause i had to go for this award ceremony thing. and i was being very negative in my head about it cause i had to go all the way back to school and wear nicely. and at the award ceremony i could have been friendlier to the girl next to me who was already friendly, and show God's love to her, but instead my negativity came out in my speech.

after the ceremony i realised in the future that this is one more area i should learn to commit to God, negativity over events. and i regretted what i did cause i should have taken that event to remember God's grace and control over my life in granting me the scholarship! of how i can actually have an education without paying! and also remembering not to take it for granted. ohwell, at least there's a lesson to be learnt!

this morning, i just read a really relevant verse,
a good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh. luke 6:45

reminds me of how my attitude showed yesterday in how i spoke and acted. also it makes me question: what is the treasure of my heart? it really needs to be God.

thank God also cause this morning i woke up and i was more awake than usual! okay this may not seem significant to others, but to me it is cause its been so hard to wake up ever since the holidays. and this morning i could wake up with such clarity of mind and alertness and i am so thankful cause it's been so long since ive been able to!

need to take it one day at a time! :)

2010-08-19T21:57:00.002+08:00

thank God for cg yesterday! :) actually was really quite worried about how things would go, meeting so many new faces and mambo getting bigger, etc etc, but wow, things went so much smoother than expected! :) and i know it could only be through God's grace because at times like this, i expected myself to get really nervous and go red and be incapacitated but instead, God really enabled me to say what i needed to say and not go so red, haha. all glory be to God! :) plus the freshies were like SO NICE and so open! :) kinda exciting.

today was university dedication service, and while singing the songs, i realised God is so much bigger and in control than we think He is. like sometimes i worry so much about the church but in the end, what does God want? i used to ignore that question, thinking about what i wanted for the church instead of what God wants and what He can do! just made me realise how much God loves His people and none that are His children can be plucked out of His hand. reassuring, that God is in charge.

also thank God that despite my wavering faith, weakness in sin, lukewarmness, unmoveableness, that He is still willing to receive me back with open arms. i just want to believe that and start over. sometimes i really wonder if it's possible though i KNOW it is. and sin seems to be creeping at every corner, getting ready to stumble me. i really want to be free.

i dont really know what im waiting for. an experience? feelings? none of that seems right though. i just wish i could move on to walking with God cause that's really what i want to do.

2010-08-14T08:42:00.002+08:00

first week of school has passed! not bad, really. so far i fell asleep in 2 lectures but that was cause i didnt have enough sleep the previous night (at least i learnt i need to sleep early as far as possible!). besides that, christianity in world history is AWESOMEEEE! :) it's super interesting! like finding out the background for when Jesus came, that's not work at all, that's like IBS! haha. :) best module ever, i think, who knew history could be so fun?

thank God cause He's giving me strength to do my readings! not that i've actually caught up (even though its the first week), but im trying to enjoy what i learn and it's not all that hard sometimes. :)

one hard thing is still trying put God over my whole life, including studies. integrated life = hard to live out actually, cause sometimes im not sure what it means practically. but im glad we're doing this for bs in cf! so i'll know more as time goes by. :)

and IFG was better than i thought! :) at first was kinda worried about meeting international students and all but theyre so NICE like why am i afraid of them? although i should really build on the relationships made, hope my opportunities havent all passed me by!

need to keep walking with God each day, a day at a time.

2010-08-10T13:03:00.003+08:00

school starts tomorrow! kinda apprehensive and worried, uncertainties i guess. like what to expect from modules, cg, the attempt to integrate studies into the christian life, etc etc. want to be excited and ready to go but im not really. thinking how i am going to wake up in the morning. haha, worries worries.

really really want to get through everything while walking with the Lord every day. i really want to but sometimes i just distance myself, very easily, by going about my own things without Him. just routine you know? but to live continually in His presence: that's really what i wish for this sem. so that no matter how bad things go, it wont be that bad, cause God is with me. i've known how this feels like, just not for a long time now. :\

sometimes it feels like the gap between me and God is so far now cause i distanced myself so far, like even when im trying to make it right, it's so easy to fall again. sounds like im doing it in my own strength right? yeah maybe. i guess it's like how lena says, when you sincerely ask God for forgiveness, it's not like you have to wait for awhile before God forgives. He will forgive there and then, and now you have to trust that He will forgive, and forgive yourself. and move on!

i want to, it's just quite difficult. i guess intimacy with God cant be gained back again so quickly, as i said before.

anw, after a fun arts comm meeting yesterday, i got to watch green mile at church with the yfers. :) and one part that really got to me was when john (i think) healed some guy's wife, and she said "i dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was i. we found each other. we found each other in the dark. " i was paralleling it to Jesus, how He comes to our level (the darkness) and finds us, to bring us back to Him. He guides and comforts us in the valley of the shadow of death. walking with Jesus, that's what i want to do! and hopefully as school starts, i will.

2010-08-03T21:54:00.005+08:00

had a good think while jogging today. about relationships, etc etc. realised how much i dont know how much God loves me, and thought of this song:

i have a Maker
He formed my heart
before even time began
my life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when i call

i have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
no matter where i go

like who can you say has ever done all the above for you? lovingly formed you (means he loves the way you are, He made you!), guides you with His hand, knows you totally and perfectly, knows when you need Him and comforts you, and is always with you? no one! if i cant love God who loves me so much, i can't love.

was thinking, even though sometimes we as girls wish to be prettier, etc etc, but for me, i think God made me the way i am for a reason, and it actually serves me quite well! cause when and if God has prepared someone weird enough to love someone like me, it probably isnt someone who loves the world too much, haha, since he must be looking at the person not the appearance right? so its quite a blessing in disguise.

anyway, ive decided to keep taping glee but forward the content and watch only the songs cause the rest of the show is really quite immoral. even though its really hard for me to stop watching, since it has this kinda 'pull', being a high school show and lighthearted and all, but there are some things in this world (like glee) i know i have to give up. it's quite clearcut.

1. philippians 4:8.
finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

is glee any of the above? no. so even though i am very aware of the bad content and try to close myself to it, still if im watching it, it still has some kind of bad impact on me. cause i know my sinful nature enjoys it in some sense, since it has been quite hard to give up, and the only way not to encourage that is to stop watching it right?

2. there are many people who watch glee, and they all know the content of the show. so if they know i'm watching the same thing, what kind of testimony am i giving to them? that an older christian condones it, so theres nothing wrong with it? or that christians still are 'okay' with a show promoting sin even though theyre supposed to be freed from it?

there's always a choice i guess, even if its a hard one. like i had decided to stop watching glee and just watch the music parts on sunday, but i still watched the episode of the previous week after making that decision - shows how difficult it was to really 'purpose in my heart'. but im serious now, and ive blogged this, so i will be accountable to it.

2010-07-30T22:37:00.002+08:00

was reminded yet again: do not give your heart away unless the person you give it to has been committed to keep it. and make sure God has your heart first.

a tricky thing this is, trusting God about our future in relationships. knowing that when the time is right (assuming that the time does come, and God has willed it to happen), God will provide what He means to provide, and when He does, it wont be a half-hearted someone, but someone who values you as a treasure (wow that someone is hard to find, maybe even non-existent! good thing im not supposed to do the finding). yet if God doesnt will this to happen, i have to make sure i can accept that, and to know that He is sufficient for my heart.

besides that, i had distanced myself so far from the Lord that now im having some trouble coming back. not that He isnt open to receive, but if i decrease my investment in our relationship, isnt it inevitable that i cannot gain back the same intimacy i had before overnight?

to work towards:
1. do not start using the computer when it's late and it's not urgent
2. stop sleeping late (if possible)
3. pray for strength to wake up early
4. wake up early to spend time on God's Word
5. strive to pray to God about all the little things, all aspects of my life

haha its late so i better get off the comp manzz.

2010-07-26T23:56:00.002+08:00

good day today! :)

okay in the morning wasn't so okay. waited 30 mins plus for 156 to come, so i was late for cgl training. and i really hate being late, so it was really frustrating for me when waiting for the bus. had to remind myself to remember not to worry about ANYTHING after all what's the point? and isn't God in control of all things? very hard to be patient sometimes.

but cgl training made me learn some good things. :) like how as a cg we can't just keep talking about issues and yet our lives remain unchanged and unchallenged. debates can just be fruitless even if theyre fun. need to have a direction when preparing bs. and need to learn to read the Word like i was really there, finding the wonder in Jesus' life and ministry on earth.

90's outing! :) <3 fun ttm! we went to food for thought for good food, then went to a random table at smu to play uno and eat dessert! :) so funny cause some people play uno with random cards, haha! and it was like the best uno game cause even though it was so long, it was actually fun! :) had a good time just catching up and bonding. plus talking to jerry about yf, mentoring: a lot to think about.

gonna be quite packed these few days but im hoping to try to make the most of it instead of dragging my feet. :) and try not to spend so much money. :\

2010-07-19T23:13:00.002+08:00

something i thought i had 'willed' to get rid off has kept popping up and because of it, i have done some very stupid things. sometimes its like i just dont wanna think about it but it seems to deliberately come up somehow or other, and attacks directly at the heart by making me worked up over it.

so it isnt that easy, you cant just will and do His good pleasure. although i had 'willed' and for awhile was able to 'do' of His good pleasure, i became complacent, and gave myself over to compromise quite a few times. missed out the important part:

"it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure."

i missed out God! He enables, and so if i stop depending on Him, how can i will or do of His good pleasure! if i cut off the source of strength, how can i have the power to overcome sin? i am so dumb.

i know what i need to do, so i better do it and stop wasting my life by lazing/sleeping it away.

2010-07-18T23:53:00.003+08:00

got angry over a trivial matter today. after that + regretting x1000000, was worried about my testimony, about not remaining status quo, etc etc. thank God everyone was nice about it and that as a family in Christ, we forgive and forget.

but i think my anger revealed to me some things i have put before God. instead of love, i let these things override my feelings and take control. being too concerned about what people think, whether they dont want me around etc. also putting idols before God. thought i had got rid of that one, but i guess this shows how important it is to keep on guard and keep relying on God to deal with the idols.

at least i think this whole thing woke me up abit. like spiritually. cause ive been drifting around and not really getting back to God even though i know i have to.

my works are filthy rags! thank God my salvation isnt dependent on works, nor on what people think of me. if not i'd surely blow it.

2010-07-17T11:38:00.003+08:00

having so many events on so many days is making me cranky. :\ what's worse is that mum thinks i have a choice on whether i want to go out, which i dont, cause these are supposed to be part of my responsibilities. i have something on almost everyday leading up to school starting and am feeling quite sian about the whole thing.

need to be more open and enthusiastic about these events, i guess. just dont like having so many responsibilities coming at me, wish i could just switch off my phone so i dont need to think about them anymore.

hmm seems like im operating on my own strength again, need to pray.

2010-07-16T01:56:00.003+08:00

today was seriously fun stuff. :)

went to the zoo! we were to push the senior adults from ling kwang home around the zoo to enjoy God's creation. scared at first (as always) but thank God for giving me patience and some degree of friendliness, haha.

after that, rng nng joe jon pris jeremy and me stayed back at the zoo for more fun! :) haha. we got to see the animals, some really cool ones. me and nng (!! yeah i know right) were like going 'eeee so cute' at the small monkey things at the entrance, forgot their names. haha nng is really enthusiastic about the animals man, even the mice (or rats?), so funny.

anyway. the highlight was KIDS WORLD! :) although they closed down the ball place. :( but still, we got to eat a kfc family feast and play with water! we crossed bridges and pulled ourselves over water on a raft-like thing, so fun. and flying fox! seriously like re-living childhood times when we could just have fun without worrying about so many other things. :) nice.

on the bus ride home, i was encouraged when i realised there are people who share the same kind of burden for the church! everytime we get to this, all i can think of is PRAY PRAY PRAY yet im not doing enough of it.

dinner with aunties = yd + nikki + julia! settlers at smu! :) super fun, especially the game imagineiff! :) could seriously keep on playing that game manz. and found out about mersa's retarded cat app. haha! crazy thing kept repeating what was said during photo-taking!

had a really fun day and thank God for hann lee who so willingly agreed to lead worship! :) super encouraged. but besides that i think i really need to refocus. like sometimes spending too much time having fun and not enough time with the Lord makes it easier to not keep Him in consciousness at all times, 'praying without ceasing'. need to learn to live my life with the Lord, or it'll just be wasted.

renette's leaving soon alr, come back asap!!! <3 <3 <3

2010-07-10T12:26:00.004+08:00

back from foc! :)

again, God has been good. cant say i really went all out as a senior, but i was really blessed by this camp! :) for one thing, my group was awesomely sweet and fun, and cheering was fun, haha. and the lessons learnt were the kinds that can change your heart.

we had this role-playing game and i was a single mother from china with a daughter who had come to singapore for a better life. my objective seemed quite simple but turned out to be totally frustrating. like just cause i had a yellow identity card, the station people treated us differently.

one incident was when they asked us (the yellow card people) to first pick up the rubbish then play the station. so we did. then right after that (somehow it always happened that way), a whole lot of blue identity card people would come to the station, flashing their blue cards and then they got priority. and the cycle repeated. after awhile i gave up cause it was obvious we weren't going to get a turn.

another station was memorizing the vcf mission, and the blue card people just memorized 5 words for $3000 or smth, and i had to memorize the whole thing backwards for $180.

also i had to eat 4 meals as one of my objectives, and i asked for the cheapest which was like $100, took up one third of all the money i had.

at the end of the game i really gained a better understanding about how 'lower-class' people cope in our society, especially after sharing. found myself being really angry at the blue people who didnt seem to know or care about the poorer people struggling to make a living, and instead these blue people go around gambling and throwing around money like nobody's business.

found out that those struggling to make an honest living would just be struggling, but the poor who turned to criminal activity survived in the game. how sad is that? our society actually is promoting crime passively! even when a person without qualifications can do the same quality of work as one who has, the difference in treatment is so vast!

i guess it's because i experienced the frustration, that i now understand a bit better their struggles. and i really thank God, because now that i feel their pain (in the limited sense that i did), i feel burdened for them. after all our God did love the poor, the fatherless, the ones in need as well! why do we do so little for them? we are the blue card people! we think our wealth is our right and are unable to see the needs all around us! this is what our perceived 'higher class' has done to us. but really it's not our right, they are our fellow human beings! now i understand the importance of social action in vcf manz.

it's not just about saying 'oh okay next time i wont see these people as lower class and treat them as equal status'. it's also more importantly about what we can do to help. wouldnt Jesus do the same?

besides that, throughout foc i was thinking about our church. really feel quite sad and heartpain about church whenever we sing 'one voice' because i really want us to be like that, yet i am not the One who can change people's hearts. i wish we could really be the family of God! the disparity with vcf is discouraging yet motivating, which is good i guess! gotta keep praying.

oh and must really thank God because even though i was scared at first, He got me through camp very very smoothly. so much so that i could really just be a camper and learn! :)

2010-07-05T01:39:00.003+08:00

vcf foc tomorrow!

honestly i was scared again about camp from saturday night, like the feeling of dread weighing on me. plus dread on buying track pants. :/ but mostly thinking about the uncertainty and what people think etc, it just gets to me. but thank God that i knew i could give my fears to Him again, instead of focusing on what others think all over again, i am to focus on the work God wants me to do there, as well as take time to seek Him. :)

cant say God didnt arrange special circumstances to help me to get where i am now. found out that reuben's in my foc group! :) thank God! having someone i know will definitely help. and joe's going too. but was still scared just now, but now, somehow im kinda excited about having beds in an outdoor camp! haha. funny how when you give your will to God, though the feelings you felt are still there, soon enough they fall into place! God is so good! :)

hoping it'll be fun! hoping i'll make the most of it and not think about the youth day fun i'm missing with the yfers. hahaha. have fun guys! :)

2010-06-30T00:07:00.004+08:00

thank God for His grace! :)

i've been trying to avoid this day for the past 2 days by sleeping a lot, escapism i know. but in the end, thanks to God's mercy and strength, He has got me through, and much better than i had imagined! :)

i had 2 vcf meetings today that have decreased my fears on the responsibilities to come, and for that i am extremely relieved and thankful. plus God got me through the meetings! wasnt as bad as i imagined them to be. in fact comm meeting kinda felt abit like yf comm meeting + cg mixed together haha, which was nice cause it felt safe and united in some sense. :)

told God i knew i had to put aside the focus on myself when dealing with others, and instead focus on Him and His work.

-

from elizabeth elliot's quest for love, a girl shares that
"i am learning some lessons in giving up my right to myself. it is helpful to know that others have been through the course and that they were made of clay as i am. the thought that i was bought with a price liberates me. everything becomes simpler when the question comes to me, 'and what am i to do now? how do i react to this?' i know what i must do - the principle to which i always turn is this: i was bought at a price. i do not belong to myself. i dont have to listen to my emotional cries, my offended ego. i cannot do anything to keep my ego from bleeding, but i can ignore it and follow Christ."

-

elsewhere in the book, another shares
"it should be no surprise that He wants everything in us. we are all His doing, nothing comes into being, has breath, has anything, without HIM, so it follows that our little deaths and tremendous joys should begin and end with HIM. thus, the origin of our daily wars.

my little wars come and go. exceedingly anxious about my lovelife, i fight on the front lines of desire and longings...i pull myself away, with head lowered and heart aching for the power to believe - that in giving up all of these games, i will not lose a step (as HE withholds no good thing).

i still hear the enemy's shouts, trying to convince me that my retreat is in vain, yet i have chosen somehow (God only knows that at times it's like bridling a bucking bronco!) to keep silent in my world of feelings and dreams, wishes and desires, and to lay them down at the altar of God, walking away believing there are, indeed, higher stakes in all of this than just mere desires.

we both know that seeking to save one's own life is the very thing Jesus warned us not to do. Christ has never told us to seek what we want, He has told us to seek only Himself!"

-

i'm realising more and more that although i may have strong desires or feelings about certain areas of my life, it is possible to give these desires to God, and give Him control over them. even though when the times come i still feel the same feelings, it's different because my will is no longer mine, and instead i know what i have to do, and though my feelings tell me otherwise, God enables me to do what is right.

that applies to fear, to love, to everything! :) thank God for His love and mercy to me! :)

2010-06-27T15:37:00.004+08:00

i am such a noob.

yesterday i joined noob soccer and tripped over myself and fell quite badly in the midst of almost scoring a goal, reinforcing the title of the game. soccer is awesome but i didnt dare go back after falling like a noob in front of all the guys.

and getting people to serve God through offering was such a heartpain and discouragement. told myself theyre not rejecting me, i know. but i guess sometimes even though we dont like totally WANT with all our hearts to serve but we decide we will serve despite our unwillingness, thats already being willing to put aside our own wills for God's glory! but i guess its hard for us to take the step and deny our own will to do something thats troublesome/unappealing to us. thank God in the end i got enough people willing to serve though. but i should stop being apologetic when im trying to get people to serve our God.

have no idea why, ive recently become roped into things i had no intention of joining (at least not alone). and i just feel so fearful and confused. like now im kinda just worrying about commitments i already accepted/suddenly have, being cg leader + arts comm member, doing matric fair alone, the evangelism thing in church that i dont really know about. im wondering whether God is giving me opportunities to serve or whether i can just back out (run away).

sometimes i wonder why God gives me passion/opportunities for areas that i dont really seem 'gifted' for? like leading and stuff... im not really 'leader' material, at least nowadays ive become more and afraid and less confident about myself. i know God uses the weak so maybe thats why? maybe He wants me to trust Him?

i know my fear is just worldly fear. but yesterday's time capsule box taught me not to volunteer for such arty things anytime soon. so many events trying to reinforce how inadequate i am. the challenge is not wallowing in self-pity but learning to give the fear to God and get through life with Him even though im scared and want to run away (reminds me of jonah, eeks).

o my Lord, i am not eloquent. i am slow of speech and of a slow tongue.

but God says WHO HATH MADE MAN'S MOUTH? HAVE NOT I THE LORD?

why am i made this way? "that the works of God should be made manifest" in me. now for some courage to believe that and carry out His work.

2010-06-26T00:39:00.003+08:00

a lesson learnt: dont ever like guys who put the world before God. sometimes it's dangerous when you have a constant need to be cool/popular, even to the point of going abit overboard. its dangerous cause influence may play such a big part in your life that you lose your life to pleasing others or being accepted rather than to being faithful to God.

okay cant totally be judgemental cause we've all had those times. but sometimes a spiritual flaw is so obvious that i cant help but become wary. but then again, God can change people.

cant believe i kinda fell into it again, got myself trapped in the bondage of habitual sin. but thank God for freedom for now at least, though my will needs to grow stronger. but thank God it's growing at least. :)

church camp was too fast. but i did learn from it, a painful lesson but yet a lesson required for growth and moving on. thank God! wish there was more godliness in the camp though. :\ cant say i didnt play a part in the negative example.

but church camp was fun too! :) the HTHTs, gymming, cards, dancing (haha greg mel and mers, not me!), 'secret' swimmming on the last night + HTHT, roomies! :) workshops were good too, especially the one about feedback on our church: how to change it. but kinda discouraging that on the day i went for it, i was the only one from gardens there and it seemed to be kinda for only bishan. :\ hope they send the feedback to gardens leaders too!

today we got to watch toy story 3, an example of a good movie! :) havent had one of those 'good' movies in a long time. :) it was fun.

back to life. need to get back to God as well. as in, put Him first.

all this time i was wasting hoping you would come around
ive been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down
and it's taking me this long but i figured you out
and you're thinking we'll be fine again but not this time around

this is the last straw
dont wanna hurt anymore.

im too young for this. :) haha.

2010-06-20T13:10:00.002+08:00

yay the past few days have been so awesomeeee. :)

thursday was jurong east day with zx nikki mers bryani marcus kerwin :) it was really great to swim again, havent in such a long time. i miss jurong east swimming pool cause it has the lazy river + wave pool + SLIDES! :) the guys were mainly whacking each other and flipping the floats over the whole time haha. and screaming in the slide. :) and pulling legs. :\ haha.

after that we ate at kfc and went to daiso at imm! :) felt like family outing haha cause we all had to squeeze in zx's car with bryan + marcus in front. seriously felt like a family, so nice. :) some sunburns (except marcus) but mostly really felt blessed by the whole thing. my church family! :) heehee.

friday was pasir ris park (the BEST PARK!) yay. went cycling with kerwin on the 2-people bike. so much less scary and more fun than the normal bike cause we got to talk and stuff. :) and kerwin was so nice he was doing most of the riding in front even though the bike was heavy. so sweet! :) then we picked shells and felt the sea and sand in our feet and went to eat. :)

yesterday was meaningful, "for it is God who works in us to will and to do of His good pleasure". :) thank God for His love and open arms that receive me and my will so openly that i can be free of this bondage i have been stubbornly holding on to. but gotta keep asking for strength not only to have the will but to do His will. after all He's the One enabling me!

its church camp tomorrow and its so exciting! :) i cant wait but i dont want it to pass too fast either. yay another week of fun! :)

2010-06-15T15:02:00.004+08:00

the thing about giving your heart away: make sure the person you're giving it to has already expressed their commitment to keep it before you give it to them.

that's the whole problem with infatuation, what we've faced with since we were teenagers (eek i said 'were'). no wonder it becomes our idol, why are we giving our hearts away so easily when we were supposed to first give our hearts to God (at least we thought we did)?

1 cor 7:34
there is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

gave it to the Lord today. may He take my emotions, fears and do what He wants with it. need to focus more on finding greater joy in Him. sometimes we're so focused on what we think would give us joy that we dont see the greater joy God could give us if we were to truly seek Him and know Him.

You are my strength when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my All in all
seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up, i'd be a fool!
You are my All in all

2010-06-14T00:18:00.002+08:00

back from retreat! :)

learnt quite a few things. was sick throughout retreat so i was wondering why God was 'doing this' to me, especially since i didnt have foreknowledge of workshops, wasnt in charge of the planning, was a camper like finally. yet i couldnt go for wet games or night games and felt physically terrible a lot of the time.

but i guess He does have His reasons. like how the younger ones stepped up to serve and care for me. :) and how they took initiative, it was encouraging. also maybe God was teaching me to let go. like let go of always having the need to not 'miss out' on the fun stuff. like on the last night i tried to seriously let go and give up night games to bathe early and go to sleep early. and letting go wasnt just about night games or staying up. it meant a lot of other things as well. and those are really hard things to let go, cant say i have done it totally even though i did 'let go' on that last night.

anyway night workshops were the most impactful though i kinda alr went through both of them before. but was encouraged by how my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ were also affected by the message conveyed and driven to change. :) praise God!

oh yes i get to go for church camp! :) like last minute sign up so awesomee! :) not that it really affects anyone (as i realise) but im just excited cause i get to go. and zx agreed to hang out with me if im extra. :) yayy. haha. just hope it'll be a good time of getting to know the Lord better even if nothing else. :)

was reminded of something today. and its kinda heartpain at times when you think you know what's better for yourself than God does, and you ask why does it have to be this way etc? but i guess God's ways are not our ways, and He has the best plans for us. i really have to learn to trust in His plans and stop interfering! :\ i think i just dont know what im missing when i start trusting in myself.

okay overall, cf camp and yf retreat have made me seriously want to read my bible. having problems with sleepiness though. need to pray, need to persevere! :)

2010-06-06T18:02:00.003+08:00

just got back from cf camp, seriously has changed my mindset a lot. :)

i realised there are so many things i thought i knew about God but i realised i dont exactly know these things, more like ive just accepted them as assumptions without knowing where in the bible convicts me about what i believe. and that really scares me cause it made me unstable. i think its good! :) sometimes some wake-up calls are good to get us started. will be putting the questions up soon here :)

now i know i need to read my bible so that i know who God is and what His will is for us as His children. feel so wasted that i totally wasted my life the last few weeks not doing much productive things at home. :\

yf retreat is coming up and im super excited cause im gonna be a camper! :) like havent had this chance in a long while! and im not going to know about the workshops or any spoiler things. :) excited! and i hope the yfers will learn a lot too.

was discouraged yesterday maybe cause for a while ive been thinking how we lack 'heart' for God and are lukewarm. but realised im assuming too much and cant just be discouraged just cause of a situation that doesnt indicate anything concrete. there's only forward to go from here! only God can work in hearts after all. :)

2010-06-01T22:20:00.002+08:00

its the holidays and i havent been using my time wisely since last week. :\

i dont know what's wrong with me, like where's my sense of discipline and purpose? someone said im always 'moody' and im thinking, yeah its kinda true, but why? it's not that i have to feel happy all the time but i dont know why there isnt much joy in my life. not much drive, or passion, or purpose.

i think a lot of times it's fear. fear of new experiences, fear of what others think, fear of uncertainty. fear kinda takes over me and it affects everything. enthusiasm, confidence, happiness.

proverbs 29:25
the fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe.

psalm 118:8
it is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.

1 john 4:18
there is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. he that feareth is not made perfect in love.

maybe its time to truly put my trust in the Lord rather than man and find this perfect love that casts out fear! to use my time more productively rather than waste it away.

2010-05-23T22:48:00.003+08:00

an hour plus to the big 2 haha. :\

i dont feel older, dont want to be older but the fact is, im going to be 20 and im going to be older. im just hoping that this new year i can grow to love and know the Lord intimately, and to become more and more like Him. ive realised some things about myself the past few days that i truly did not like to see, and i realise i really need the Lord. He's the only one who can sanctify me and make me whole. :)

really thank God im out of placement, now i have loads of break! want to use my time wisely and really have the discipline to seek the Lord even as i am super free now. usually at this time it gets harder. :\

lena taught me some things about emotions in our last bs. that when i repent it does not mean i have to 'feel' it, like generate emotions of remorse. that kind of sorrow is the kind that is about self, "im so lousy, im so sinful, etc" because worldly sorrow is just fruitless. i wish i knew this earlier! i didnt know i could not feel it and still be repentant. "not feel" doesnt mean indifference though. cant believe i had been relying on generation of emotions in order that i would think i actually "mean" my repentance! but thank God i now know. :) gotta find out more about this though cause im still abit unclear.

anws. ive been feeling really burdened for our church. sometimes it seems like we have really left our first love. it seems like our hearts arent as sincere as they should be, not as Christ-like as they should be. and i just dont know what can be done? sometimes i wonder, is there more to it than prayer? what can be done?

i love our church family but i wish we were growing in Christ more together. but God can work anywhere i guess, and hopefully we'll head in the right direction. hopefully leaders will be raised and the Holy Spirit will guide them.

okay 1 more hour to 12 and i'll be old. but hopefully eventually more spiritually mature as well. :)

2010-05-17T21:49:00.006+08:00

i changed my major! :) thank God, relieved.

after much struggle, praying and talking, i decided to change major and terminate placement. i think maybe i was putting too much blame on the free will i have in making the decision, trying to make God tell me what to do with my life. i think maybe sometimes He really lets us do what we are comfortable with? and if it isnt what He wants for us, He'll let us know.

i cant say im not confused, i kinda am. cause i had felt peace that i was to be in social work, but then now im out. but i guess theres a reason for everything. im just glad for all those who are so supportive of my decision because it means a lot.

thank God cause i can go for everything i want to go for: vcf LPC, yf retreat, maybe even malaysia with elsa and elyssa, so awesome. :) its gonna be a great break. but i better use it well and try to find out more about psych this holidays. and exercise and use my time well. :)

also thank God cause im volunteering at my agency now since they need help, and i get to go for this cool course which is kinda interesting. :) for free! hahha. so auntie i know. and i got to watch the last song today, which was quite nice. :)

although today i was kinda confused cause some people told me to continue placement even if i quit social work, but i quit placement officially already. and im really quite happy about it. haha. well. i guess sometimes i have to be more decisive and stop drifting around when people give me their opinions. decisively stand on God's promises! :)

thank God for His grace, the free will He gives, His faithfulness. :)

2010-05-13T19:07:00.003+08:00

what a tough week! it has been quite hard honestly just getting to work, emotionally. makes me question more and more, is this really God's will for me? cause seriously the fit between me and social work just feels so wrong. im not a people person, im introverted, enough to justify?

im really not sure what God wants, although i thought i was sure. hoping he'll make it clear to me that this is really what He wants. that being said, He's been good to me cause as the days passed, each day was a little less worse than the previous, and He allowed me to take my leave. :)

i dont know if it's just the process of adjusting. actually i think im more afraid of what the people at the agency think rather than the clients themselves, because i know i appear so obviously inadequate to them. i think i would probably not be a social worker in future. so it wont make a difference if i just take a general degree in something else right? but what? sometimes i just think anything else will be easier, but the truth is, everything's hard anyway. and i still dont know what God wants.

well thankfully i actually got through most of this week. tomorrow only need to go for around 4 hours cause of morning seminar so it isnt too bad. hope i'll survive. i will lah, just, what does God want?

2010-05-07T01:55:00.001+08:00

the final exams for this sem have been really stressful and tiring. it's been crazy emotionally. tears and fears, the usual. too much, i think. havent been able to practically trust in God's faithfulness when i havent studied much, and am chionging (again) on the last night-morning, and just being tired and frustrated at myself for not doing this earlier.

God is so good! He allowed it so that every single day i had exam, mum didnt get called up for work, so that i could study longer cause she could fetch me to school! (: wow how cool is that right! God's really longsuffering too cause He put up with all my failures to give up my fears to Him and just do my best in exams. a lot of times the exams really got to me too, but He still stuck by me. even when i felt distant in my walk i knew He was still supporting me even though i was giving Him nothing in return, God has such unconditional love!

on days like today i realise that there is such emptiness in my heart. if im gonna try to keep filling it with things on this earth like people i care about, material things, self-love, fantasy, etc and hope hope hope that it gets filled, it's never gonna be filled. i'm just going to be lost like i am now, with no sense of identity and grounding, at the mercy of the changeability of things.

people say "why are we still friends (only)", well im wondering "why cant we just be friends"? the world has made romantic love so important that we forget the love for our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ! where's the respect? where's the love? where is Christ in our relationships? or do you just always want to talk about getting together?

just to see that love - acceptance, respect, support, encouragement, even rebuke - in our church, thats one of my heart's desires. a love grounded in the love of Christ, in the Word of God. no more petty arguments, let's focus on what's important can we? can we help each other find more identity and groundedness in Christ (cause it's hard stuff)? why do we focus on all the details that we miss trying to build each other up? is it pride or is it love that is motivating us?

i really want to be identified with Christ, just that im trying to fill my heart with many other things a lot of the time. today God reminded me that these things, they can never satisfy, and no they do not truly love you as you are. they only love you when the world does. and that's nothing i can rely on.

sure i am not adequate nor eloquent, but God can use me, even me, though the role seems like a goodness-of-fit test gone wrong, but "Who has made man's mouth? or Who maketh the dumb, or deaf or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?" and why? so that "the works of God should be made manifest in him".

God loves me though the world may not, and that should be enough. may His love fill my heart that He can be really, all-sufficient for me! my heart will need no more filling.

2010-03-27T03:04:00.003+08:00

this week has been quite relaxed compared to the past weeks, but theres loads of deadlines next week! that being said, it's been a good week! :)

this week i really learnt the importance of relationships. on wednesday at cf, i realised that God has really shown such grace to me in letting me live in freedom from sin and superstition! although some cfers have expressed difficulty in these areas, i thank God He has allowed me to understand His love and grace to me and that He has been so personal to me. but im sure we can as a cf try to help each other understand and know of this love God has given, of this very personal union we can have with Him as His children!

had good sharing, it was nice to find out different struggles others face and feel personally burdened to help and pray. and i got to go for supper! :) its just wonderful being able to have God-centred conversations with fellow christians! :)

the days after cf i realised that actually, relationships should come first! above work, above selfishness. firstly our relationship with God and then our relationship with others. like if one of my family members distracts me when im doing my work, am i going to get angry cause i was distracted from it or put their needs above something as trivial as work? am i going to get worked up for exams rather than paying attention to the more important relationships around me? what's more eternal?

i have been very very lacking in this area. especially with my family, but also with my attitude. if i place hopes on things of this world, i'll lose sight of what's eternal, and what God treasures: His people. something to work towards:

love is patient, love is kind.
it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
it is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 corinthians 13:4-7

2010-03-22T23:38:00.005+08:00

God is great! as He always is. He got me through last week and He's gonna get me through this whole life on earth! heehee. :)

last week, there was soci presentation. out of the whole class, only 6 people would be randomly chosen to present and guess what, i was one of them. but thank God He gave me the topic i had actually read up on, somemore i was tasked to do the section that justin tested me on when i was studying in church: mate selection. hahaha. good thing he made me realise i forgot what i read, so i read that part twice. funny how God works!

and there was role practice on thursday, where we were to pretend to be real social workers (in pairs) and thank God at least i got through it. :) after that was retreat for one day! hahaha but it was great exercise cause i played loads of floorball and made friends with some of the new kids. :)

after retreat i got to eat mings, then study with sng and christina, haha. quite nice actually. :) not that productive cause we were all tired but well, good enough i guess. oh i really liked yf games on saturday! :) and its just nice to hang out with the yfers really. :)

today i did loads of stuff too, yay thank God! :) and had bs with lena on 1 timothy. realised i have a responsibility to be firm in the Word, as well as to teach with love and faith (if i teach).

"study to show thyself (not others!) approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." 2 timothy 2:15

our motivation for teaching should come from "charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned" (1 tim 1:5), and we need to take the teaching of God's Word seriously because the gospel has been "committed to [our] trust" (1 tim 1:11).

need to take note for cg next year, though im just a facilitator, but still i should strive to serve the best i can in His strength and handle His Word carefully.

2010-03-13T01:53:00.003+08:00

all glory be to God!! :)

this week was really crazy. had 2 tests and 1 presentation and as usual was unprepared. so many times this week i found myself breaking down all over the place, worrying about tests, worrying because i havent adequately studied, wishing i could quit etc, you get the idea. it was a really emotional time. and all this while i knew underlying all my situations and tears was God's sovereignty but trusting came very slowly.

really want to thank God for pulling me through all the times i really felt like i couldnt take it anymore. though i knew these tests and assignments were not worthy to be compared to the future glory, i couldnt help but worry. thank God He was always there for me to cry my heart out to, to learn to trust in, and He comforted me. :)

once i was just walking to the bus stop feeling like crying again cause of my test, but after reading psalm 139, it was great to know God was with me even as i was worried, tired and very reluctant to go to school to face things.

on tuesday and wednesday night, i had really little sleep, trying to stay awake almost the whole night, going in and out of sleep. yet on the test times, God sustained me! imagine 2 nights of almost no sleep, but on thursday i was as awake as ever! God is seriously amazing. if you know me, you know im sleepy at important times like lectures, and yet during the test my mind was clear and focused (okay i did fall asleep during thursday's test for bits of time, but i had a lot of time to spare) and i could just get through the test like i'd slept for the past 2 nights. God is really merciful! :) plus my presentation went okay too! and the thing is usually my presentations go anything but well. thank God for His grace and blessings! :)

all glory be to God! He sustains, He is gracious, and guess what, He loves a sinner like me! :)

2010-03-04T01:06:00.002+08:00

funny how God works.

actually i dont really know how He's working but He knows what's best and i know it. so far ive either been resisting His will or moving closer to it. depends what His will is. everyone's been telling me different things about what i should do, some i find more favourable than others of course.

question is, what if God's will is the one thats gonna take me out of my comfort zone, try me, test me, humble me, to grow me? will i have the courage to do it? its really tempting to just go and change major, but why am i struggling so much? is something holding me back?

i have no answer to these questions. but in the midst of this confusion i really want to say, Lord, im scared but i believe Your will is best, help me my unbelief. that is something very hard to say but only God can enable me to trust Him and what He has in store.

so ive sent out the email, and i hope God makes it clear for me what He wants. then the next step is to follow in faith.

2010-02-25T02:59:00.004+08:00

im off to bangkok in an hour. :)

4 days of break! i really hope i can use it well, even though its just shopping, but more as a time to get away and have some good times with the Lord as well. have to study too, hopefully can get some stuff done. excited! :) maybe God will also help me resolve the decisions regarding my future as well.

okay so far this has been the situation: social work has been making me more and more insecure, and even though sometimes after rest and refreshment after the weekend, when i go to social work lecture, my positivity turns to negativity. its not that social work is bad or anything, it just makes me feel very inadequate for the whole profession.

so then why is it a dilemma whether i should change major right? well cause im wondering what if God wants to use this major to help me mature and grow as a christian, to find my security in Him, to use the skills learnt to love others better? yet as i progress further into the sem, my confidence is getting lower and lower, and this insecurity is kinda affecting other areas of my life. but then again, what does God want?

i really in my heart want to do what God wants, even though i know sometimes as i deliberate my heart/mind is telling me other things, putting in other motives, till sometimes i just want to rid myself of all my selfishness and purely just desire to do what God wants.

but i dont know what God wants.

read a book by john macarthur on God's will. he says if you are saved, Spirit-filled, sanctified, submitting to God and suffering (in the sense of because you love Christ not in the sense of struggling with your sins/flesh etc.), then you can do whatever you want! because if you are that person, God can use you anywhere to do His will, though He may clearly direct you elsewhere at times. i just dont know if im that person, and therefore i dont exactly know what i should do.

i guess, keep praying! God is sovereign.

2010-02-20T00:14:00.002+08:00

wow the week just flew past! cant say ive done a substantial amount of work, but at least i finished my tutorials today! :) thank God. now i just gotta finish my soci assignment before thurs and pray for opportunities to finish my social work assignment before tues! :/ faith.

it was a good rest week. :) finally settled in, got to sleep late and sleep in, felt like holidays! :) thank God for just time to see the church peoples, encouraging in some sense. thank God for things all falling into place!

one thing ive been thinking about: why dont we have this fire for God? what's missing? i really think we are not reflecting about our sins enough, therefore not remembering God's lavish grace on us sinners. at least for me. if we dont remember what we're saved from, where is our motivation to move away from it and to glorify the God who has so mercifully saved us?

thank God He always provides second chances to turn back from this lukewarmness, and gives strength and grace in receiving us back. but sometimes it seems so hard to get out of this lukewarmness, emptiness, whatever it is, a kinda un-nameable thing. though i really want to, it seems sometimes God is far. when actually it is me who is far. i guess the only way to correct a relationship is to build it, so thats the way to go!

2010-02-13T09:55:00.003+08:00

i stayed at my new house last night! :)

cools. kinda weird, knowing im gonna sleep here from now on, but kinda cool. i have pretty new bedsheets and loads of stuff to unpack, hahha. thank God i have one week uni break to adjust and unpack and study! :)

that being said, theres a lot to be done spiritually actually. gotta figure out my security in Christ cause this sem, that's what ive been lacking. and really it makes a difference. if my security is in myself, im gonna be scared all the time (which i am a lot these days, social work, decisions, etc). if i dont sort this out, how am i gonna be a shining light for Christ these 4 uni years (as rachel has said)?

need more discipline, need more time.
need to use holidays well! :)

2010-02-09T00:45:00.004+08:00

i had a good productive day today! :) (note: assuming the expectations of myself are minimal)

went to my new house to study for a bit. cools cause i have my awesome ikea table heehee. so exciting! cant wait to move in like for real. hopefully, thursday! thank God holidays are coming soon too, can catch up with my readings! :) and move in.

90s outing! :) went to singapore flyer to eat! took loads of photos (eeks.) and caught up abit. fun! celebrated renette's birthday and so happy she liked our present! :)

school tmr. :/ God help me get thru the week.
actually should be: school tmr! :) hahahha. God will get me through the week.

2010-02-05T01:08:00.004+08:00

the week's over! thank God! :)

when school started on tuesday i was so dreading it like loads cause my 2 social work tutorials were this week. scared like siao. haha. but thank God it wasnt all that bad or scary. :) although yeah i would still say social work takes me out of my comfort zone alot and makes me stress. :/ on tuesday i felt like i was gonna get more white hair soon from stressing about sw tutorial! :/ but good thing, it wasnt too bad!

ive been really bad at time management cause i slept late on tues and wed night, making me sleepy for many lectures. :/ really need to get tutorials done sooner and sleep earlier! today i slept through a whole logic lecture. eeks.

anw but thank God x1000000 cause! :) i had a good week despite the stress and late nights. cf was nice on wed cause of encouragement in common struggles and learning more from each other on God's word! :) and i had a good (short) talk with joe on mentorship stuff which was encouraging too. :) and the sky was really nice.

also! God allowed me to go for my whole bangkok trip! :) cause logic test isnt on the day of my flight after all. phew thank God for the break! although i'll miss another logic lecture :/ but well all the more i really gotta keep up then! really gotta depend on God for strength.

ikea today. :) got my study table heehee. :) and nice bedsheets. kinda excited now, cant wait to move in! :) but for now, studystudystudy and learn to depend on God for strength and my future!

2010-01-30T00:57:00.002+08:00

this semeseter is a challenging one. i kept thinking after last sem, this sem's gonna be different. im gonna be so consistent and keep up with all my readings and sail through the sem smoothly (well at least more smoothly than last sem).

i was wrong, as i see now. i feel extremely piled up with things to do and yet im not doing much about it. one reason is the fact that im not using my time very productively, of course. the other is that i have no idea why there have been more and more additional meet-ups that cause me to become kinda sianzz because of all the work i have to do. not that i want to be sian but honestly i kinda am.

i just wonder when i should make decisions to say no? theres just too many things going on, i really want to use my free time to rest, or study. but maybe i am being selfish. but then again, sometimes you cant just do it all right?

doing doing doing. maybe im again losing my motivation. i cant just do things with such a reluctant attitude all the time. kinda annoying to me that i am reluctant so many times. sometimes i just want to do less but mean more when i do things. meaning i do things for the right reasons, for God.

and social work has been such a rollercoaster ride for me, mentally/emotionally. i like rollercoasters but im not exactly enjoying this one. but i know its necessary for me to go through this seeking cause God will lead me, and through this painful process i can learn to trust Him more in His will for my life. somehow im pretty apprehensive about helping people but not really helping in the sense they still may be spiritually dead. plus, what if i ruin their lives instead of help? so many inhibitions, so many fears and questions. wish God would just tell me but i know i gotta get through this ride with Him in order for good to come out of it.

change my heart, O God, make it ever true.
change my heart, O God, may i be like You!

2010-01-26T00:21:00.003+08:00

today was nice. :) productive, but not in the study sense haha. feels like a holiday day. :)

studied from 10.30am at church. later than i wanted, but at least before 11, haha. i think God gave me focus so that was good. but one struggle is trying to remember God is with me as i study cause sometimes its in the busy times we forget God is there. and whats the point of doing anything without God? there is no purpose. cause we cant then glorify Him in what we've done, it'd be from our own effort. thank God He's teaching me even though im a very slow learner.

met with nikkiee :) for lunch! and more studying after that. then we ran running and i died at 2km (according to zx), super tired alr, dunno why. but it was better than nothing lah, i would say. :) saw my new house! it was empty so quite cool.

comm meeting was fun! :) sitting in the dark with our glow-in-the-darks. haha. then after that we had dinner/supper at rk's and we didnt pay by mistake! cant believe this actually happened, we're paying them tmr lah. but serious, they and we didnt even notice!

school tomorrow, tutorial week starts, better sleep soon. thank God He's gonna see me through!

2010-01-24T17:28:00.002+08:00

message today was really encouraging. :)

consistency & cooperation really spoke to me. consistency = not hypocrisy! whole, not compartmentalized, integrity. cause its been much harder to be consistent than i thought. especially in times of calm, or busyness. before school started and now when school has started, its been easy sometimes to forget God in the midst of everything/nothing. but how can i do that when He is what my life should revolve around? and at the end of a day ive spent largely without Him i know something's missing, its pointless going about life without Him. theres no purpose without God.

also cooperation, i really desire for our church to be as cool as that. :) to be brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow labourers and soldiers in the battle against sin! we really gotta work on our individual lives man, and start getting ourselves mentors. haha. and be concerned about each others' lives.

i wonder if its possible to be close to God every day, all the time? sure discipline is needed, feelings dont last, they cant always motivate us. but is it possible to know every day that you are close to the Lord, even without that 'feeling'? i really wonder. because at times david also asked God 'how long?' and so there must have been times He felt God was kinda absent. (although He most definitely isnt!) hope i can find out soon somehow.

its a new week, starting today! :) shall have a good rest today and be refreshed for another study day tomorrow.

2010-01-20T10:11:00.002+08:00

God is good! :) He led me through yesterday with a more open mind about social work, and so i had a great day! He's been leading me through psalms, but i still need to be very aware cause i can slip so easily. feeling it abit alr. but thats why i must keep remembering to depend on God.

thank God he gave me all the tutorials i wanted! :) like i got 4/5 i wanted, and the last one i just got through the add/drop/swap system ive never used before. wow there was just 1 vacancy for the tutorial i wanted and i got it! couldnt be anyone's but God's doing!

on monday vernon talked to be about mentors. and yeah i understand the importance now - so we can grow spiritually on an individual level, and all of us yfers! hopefully i will get one soon, and God will prepare me to be one. then we can grow even more as a yf, which is really something i'd like to see in our church. :) sounds hard and maybe even unreachable, but how can we underestimate God? gotta keep praying, cause with God, all things are possible!